i know i mia-ed. i’m sorry. but i’m back. if you genuinely care about me, read on further but prep yourself for a really long (and depressing) post. but if you don’t and you’re just here to check me out, prepare to be horrified and tragically disappointed.
it’s 10.48pm. my machine learning assignment is due at 2359. 10% of the total grade. but I spent the past 1 hour completing depression tests online. idk, I just feel that facing my mental issues is much more pertinent than copying a friend’s assignment (i mean i have 1 hour left, and it’s machine learning). and so i can get 10% of my module marks which i totally and completely do not deserve. stupid right, got answer don’t want to copy.
anw i was right about my condition, because literally every single test told me that I am suffering from severe depression. much congratulations to myself.
I know I will probably regret declaring this depression thing here. cuz obviously there are ppl I will want to hide this from. like my project group mates, my family, and idk… future employers? what if after this i don’t get an internship. maybe i’ll just not graduate and just leave school and start work. but what work?
anyway i digressed. i usually try not to talk about my mental state here because I just feel like ppl won’t treat me seriously if they know that I am mentally weak, and can’t do simple stuff because i feel crippled. i mean who would want to hire someone like that? or work with someone like that? or follow a leader like that? questions. doubts.
but i guess I’ve kinda run out of ways to make myself feel better so i’m sharing my deepest thoughts in this space, hoping that this will help me declutter my mind and make sense of what i’m going through right now. i’m typing all these while listening to sad korean songs. hmmm. lemme just share one with y’all now.
of course I’ve shared this song before on my blog. after all, it’s not the first time i’m depressed.
i know in sec 3 i fell in love + started to rebel so i kinda opened up that Pandora’s box of feelings and hormones and stress and emotions and expectations. things just kinda earthquaked. it was such a blur, but yet such a painful time to remember.
idk what happened recently tho. one day in school i just suddenly felt very very crippled. like i was suddenly trapped in a jail cell, unable to get out. i couldn’t do anything anymore and i had no ability to do anything even if i wanted to. i freaked out because there was so much dejavu. i knew i was going back to the past.
i started to panic. i tried to call a friend, i tried to play iPad games to distract myself, i tried to clean my room, i tried to talk more to my family, i tried…
my theory is that it’s just me. me and my mind. funny, when I was young I barely had any emotions. my emotional intelligence was so low, I didn’t even realize I was being bullied in primary school. I think i felt sad but couldn’t really pinpoint my real feelings. i only knew that something didn’t feel right.
but recently i have the dejavu feeling, the feeling that everything is coming back again. i absolutely dread that but i feel like i have no control over my emotions anymore… but this time round i don’t feel like confiding into anyone (unlike last time when i gave myself so many text buddies to rant to).
maybe i just feel like they no longer care / ppl just don’t understand and will never be able to understand.
but if this is really just me and who i will always be, then it’s scary because. i won’t be able to work with anyone anymore as the risk of me falling back into the abyss is too high. idk when it will happen, and idk which inciting incident will make me retreat back into my misery. anyway i think would also rather be alone and sad than to be a burden and cause disappointment to ppl.
maybe ppl like me just don’t belong in the system, where everything is result-oriented, fast-paced and so on. there isn’t really time for a break? and everyone just have so many expectations of me. (on that note, stop mistaking me for a top student because i am most definitely NOT one so pls stop) actually i wish i can just live on a mountain by myself.
i guess nowadays i still think of suicide sometimes? the thought of just rushing out on to the road and having myself getting knocked down by a car keeps flashing in my head. it’s kinda tempting to try it but the success rate is really low so i’m probably never going to do it unless i get drugged / drunk. ok and i also dun wanna go to hell lah.
some of you reading this are probably taking out your phones right now to text me and ask me what’s going on, how i am blahblahblah. pls pardon me if i don’t really want to answer / don’t feel keen to share… it’s just a combination of a lost faith in humanity and much disillusionment towards the idea of friendship etc.
haha what a hopeless freak i am.
(ok i am legitly so scared to post this but. whatever)