bethany presbyterian church

i like that i’m trying to make this a routine and post about every Sunday’s service

didn’t go for any service last week cuz i was too tired. i know it’s not an excuse and i should make arrangements to sleep early on saturday night.

english service here is pretty small, so i stood out quite a lot. quite a few ppl realized i was new and approached me to say hello. after service they also welcomed me personally to have refreshments and talk to them

is it just me or do smaller churches seem more informal and friendly, while bigger churches emphasise more on structure and the proper way of things?

idk. but today was a pretty good experience. though i doubt i would come back again cuz it’s really quite inaccessible from my house???

anyway my plan got exposed today. i hate deceiving and hiding is tiring, hence i just told them my church and my plan of visiting different churches LOL. wanted to remain low profile but it’s difficult when u meet friendly and welcoming christians. hahahahaha

honestly i’ve been lying and hiding things quite a lot recently… trust me, i really wanna announce to the whole world once and for all but i’m really just not comfortable sharing rn hence. i’m trying hard to pretend that everything is normal, while it’s not.

hope things will go well in the end, sorry to have to hide certain things… pls try to understand k

anyway, looking forward to next week ˆᴗˆ

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adam road presbyterian church

did not have time to post this last last week so i’ll do it today.

reached early as usual and wanted to sit on the second floor but there were kids running about and distracting me so i couldn’t pray

came down to the first floor to take the handout and also realised it would be better to just occupy the first floor so they can close the second floor and save electricity

this church had a more modern vibe, announcements were also done digitally. ppl seemed a bit more in their own world but it’s good cuz i dun like to socialise too much. keep it low profile u know

the best thing about this church is the pastor. his sermon was extremely genuine and despite the modern feel of the church his words were really firm. could also be due to the fact that the topic of the day was about fearing God. but still it was a pretty good sermon

any day u can go to church, is a good day ˆᴗˆ

bukit batok presbyterian church

i’m not going to include a lot of details about today’s service in relation to other services i’ve attended from the different churches because idw this to end up as an unhealthy comparison between the different churches (although i’m indeed trying to compare and contrast them lol. i guess eventually i still hope to find one to settle down in)

anyway i’m very glad i finally decided to continue my church-hopping lol. i know some ppl will disagree with my actions because church-hopping basically means i probably won’t be able to serve in church properly or have any kind of church fellowship. basically i’m just going to a different church every sunday and attending service.

but idk, i just feel like this is my calling for now. idk what this experience of visiting different churches in singapore will lead to but i believe God has a plan for me hehe. my goal is to visit at least all the presbyterian churches for now. then maybe i’ll move on with the lutheran ones next? haha we see how first bah.

basically today went great, was super smooth. managed to find the place successfully, had a bit of time to pray while waiting for service to start. songs were kinda foreign to me but that’s because it was the youth band leading and i haven’t been following a lot of christian pop songs so. church ppl seemed genuine in general, i felt at peace. ˆᴗˆ

anyway sorry for not posting here for a while… something happened recently. will see if i can share about it when i’m more comfortable but for now i’m only telling my close friends. anyway i feel that this is a transformative period for me hehe.

7 years

i’ve been trying not to count but

i wish i never ever let u go… i wish i trusted u more… i wish i chose to love u for who u were… i wish i knew i loved u for u

the thought that we probably would still be friends? that unbelievable dream that can never become a reality again… the play times have long been over

i’m going insane thinking about you. i miss you, so, so painfully much. why is there no one who understands… no one here… my fault, i just push ppl away

why does life have to be so hard, why do i have to feel all these feelings yet experience all this numbness… recently i’ve not been myself, feeling like i’ve been possessed…? or maybe this is just my true self fighting to break out of its shell

what am i doing right, what am i doing wrong… what things matter and what don’t… why do i keep sinning, why do i keep moving away from God… i need

i need someone, anyone, to tell me that things are going to be fine and i’m going to find my place.

please, i’m withering fast, i can’t get up, i’m fighting to heal. i

do not mess with me

why do i feel like i have used this title before

i am hypersensitive. i smell foxes from a mile away. those who want to make use of me, i already know. my gut feeling, my intuition. it virtually never backfires.

the next time, i won’t hesitate to cut u off. no matter who u are to me. i dislike leeches, i hate bullies, i detest ppl who treat others with utter disrespect. i don’t owe u anything.

nothing goes by without my approval, my acknowledgement. i only let u do certain things because i am seeing how far u dare to go. then i clamp in on everything when i figure out ur true intentions. i can literally read ur mind.

whatever. go. i don’t need a toxic person in my life. be gone.

i’m 99.9% staying

the past few weeks have been a whirlwind. skipped many classes and stayed at home a lot. idk i think i just felt like i needed a break. i felt disturbingly lost and troubled but i didn’t know why. binge-watched netflix but it didn’t really help. i thought it was the fossil thing initially but it’s not. anyway the past few days i was feeling so much anxiety to catch up with schoolwork. so i wanted to stop this procrastination and start afresh today since it’s the start of the week. decided to start watching more ted talks. so i watched this today:

and i suddenly realized. i think a while back i was telling weicong about how my perspective of Singapore is super different from others because i saw myself as just a temporary resident. i was eventually going to move away. i was heading towards America, and i was very certain about that goal. i guess as a result i kinda just didn’t really care about stuff here. i didn’t care about which political party would be elected, i didn’t care about sustaining my friendships / making new friends, i didn’t care about my family, i didn’t care about singapore.

i’ve been stricken with guilt for wanting to move out of this place. i must admit, the main motivation for doing so is to get freedom away from my family. i think really differently from my mum and living with her sucks out all my soul. however, i think i’ve said before, i believe there is a special connection between me and her because she always has the power to make me cry buckets even with harmless comments. and i genuinely worry about her even though i try not to express it. i also cherish my relationship with my father and my brother. i feel intellectually close to my father and i enjoy acting like a child again with my brother. my brother is moving out soon and i feel sad about it.

also, i’ve been pretty unsuccessful with my applications for America internships. ok i think i’ve applied for only 10+ places so i should probably try more. but the thing is that i’ve also not been super motivated to apply. maybe i’m afraid of rejection. or maybe i’m just not that into America anymore. i understand that their jobs should ideally go to their own citizens. i also know that America is unsafe and can be quite morally corrupted. and i don’t seem to enjoy Pixar movies as much as before. i still love Coco though, and i can’t wait for Incredibles 2. but… idk man. i realize i’ve been more motivated and excited to apply for local internships. maybe also cuz i can apply for better companies.

idk… i was scared of this happening. i was afraid of succumbing to the pressure of staying, and i saw this as a sign of weakness or lack of courage / ambition or fear of failure. honestly, it is scary to go to america all by myself. i dunno if it’s worth it. and come to think of it, i can always venture there in the future if i hate it in singapore. might as well give singapore a shot first, right? since i’m alr here now.

but then again, staying would also not be easy for me. ok career wise it would be easier but i would have to change my whole mindset on like, almost everything. i would have to continue to deal with my mum. i would have to start thinking about my life here. go back to church-hunting, find myself a church to settle down in and switch to. i would have to find my volunteer place asap. i would have to socialize and make friends, and make more effort to maintain and improve current friendships, because there is no excuse for me not to do so anymore. i would have to work to mend broken relationships because i cannot just escape to america and disappear from ppl’s worlds. i would not be able to start completely afresh, but would have to face the past and be forced to deal with it. it’s super scary.

i initally gave myself end feb as a deadline. if no company contacts me by then, i would switch all my eggs to the singapore basket for the internship. but idk if i should stick to that or extend my deadline to mid mar. maybe. give myself more time to make the decision u know. because whatever decision i make for my internship now is probably going to majorly affect at least the next 5 years of my life.

i guess the main thing is, i probably can contribute more to the society if i stay in singapore. and i also have unfinished business here which i feel is irresponsible to just leave behind u know. also the ted talk says people who are more isolated and have fewer close relationships (going to be me if i go to America) generally lead a less happy life.

ok i will update end feb / mid mar about my decision. God’s will.

nutcase gonecase

i do not owe u this

stop being a major busybody

this is none of ur business

i am my own person, he is his own person

he knows that he does not need this

learn from someone who actually respects my priorities

u don’t belong to my world

get out and get lost

i have had enough of this torment

i need my life back now

stupid social obligations

i am not required to listen

ppl who make use of me to fill their ego

ppl who basically just make use of me

i do not stay in their lives, i leave when i feel like leaving

go deal with whatever yourself

deal with yourself

i can leave and I WILL LEAVE

with those bloody keys

with your face. your precious little piece of face

i am not ur sandbag, i am not ur trophy

i am me and me alone without u

i will be utterly self-sufficient, independent

back off and get lost

get off my back, get out of my life