i’m 99.9% staying

the past few weeks have been a whirlwind. skipped many classes and stayed at home a lot. idk i think i just felt like i needed a break. i felt disturbingly lost and troubled but i didn’t know why. binge-watched netflix but it didn’t really help. i thought it was the fossil thing initially but it’s not. anyway the past few days i was feeling so much anxiety to catch up with schoolwork. so i wanted to stop this procrastination and start afresh today since it’s the start of the week. decided to start watching more ted talks. so i watched this today:

and i suddenly realized. i think a while back i was telling weicong about how my perspective of Singapore is super different from others because i saw myself as just a temporary resident. i was eventually going to move away. i was heading towards America, and i was very certain about that goal. i guess as a result i kinda just didn’t really care about stuff here. i didn’t care about which political party would be elected, i didn’t care about sustaining my friendships / making new friends, i didn’t care about my family, i didn’t care about singapore.

i’ve been stricken with guilt for wanting to move out of this place. i must admit, the main motivation for doing so is to get freedom away from my family. i think really differently from my mum and living with her sucks out all my soul. however, i think i’ve said before, i believe there is a special connection between me and her because she always has the power to make me cry buckets even with harmless comments. and i genuinely worry about her even though i try not to express it. i also cherish my relationship with my father and my brother. i feel intellectually close to my father and i enjoy acting like a child again with my brother. my brother is moving out soon and i feel sad about it.

also, i’ve been pretty unsuccessful with my applications for America internships. ok i think i’ve applied for only 10+ places so i should probably try more. but the thing is that i’ve also not been super motivated to apply. maybe i’m afraid of rejection. or maybe i’m just not that into America anymore. i understand that their jobs should ideally go to their own citizens. i also know that America is unsafe and can be quite morally corrupted. and i don’t seem to enjoy Pixar movies as much as before. i still love Coco though, and i can’t wait for Incredibles 2. but… idk man. i realize i’ve been more motivated and excited to apply for local internships. maybe also cuz i can apply for better companies.

idk… i was scared of this happening. i was afraid of succumbing to the pressure of staying, and i saw this as a sign of weakness or lack of courage / ambition or fear of failure. honestly, it is scary to go to america all by myself. i dunno if it’s worth it. and come to think of it, i can always venture there in the future if i hate it in singapore. might as well give singapore a shot first, right? since i’m alr here now.

but then again, staying would also not be easy for me. ok career wise it would be easier but i would have to change my whole mindset on like, almost everything. i would have to continue to deal with my mum. i would have to start thinking about my life here. go back to church-hunting, find myself a church to settle down in and switch to. i would have to find my volunteer place asap. i would have to socialize and make friends, and make more effort to maintain and improve current friendships, because there is no excuse for me not to do so anymore. i would have to work to mend broken relationships because i cannot just escape to america and disappear from ppl’s worlds. i would not be able to start completely afresh, but would have to face the past and be forced to deal with it. it’s super scary.

i initally gave myself end feb as a deadline. if no company contacts me by then, i would switch all my eggs to the singapore basket for the internship. but idk if i should stick to that or extend my deadline to mid mar. maybe. give myself more time to make the decision u know. because whatever decision i make for my internship now is probably going to majorly affect at least the next 5 years of my life.

i guess the main thing is, i probably can contribute more to the society if i stay in singapore. and i also have unfinished business here which i feel is irresponsible to just leave behind u know. also the ted talk says people who are more isolated and have fewer close relationships (going to be me if i go to America) generally lead a less happy life.

ok i will update end feb / mid mar about my decision. God’s will.

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nutcase gonecase

i do not owe u this

stop being a major busybody

this is none of ur business

i am my own person, he is his own person

he knows that he does not need this

learn from someone who actually respects my priorities

u don’t belong to my world

get out and get lost

i have had enough of this torment

i need my life back now

stupid social obligations

i am not required to listen

ppl who make use of me to fill their ego

ppl who basically just make use of me

i do not stay in their lives, i leave when i feel like leaving

go deal with whatever yourself

deal with yourself

i can leave and I WILL LEAVE

with those bloody keys

with your face. your precious little piece of face

i am not ur sandbag, i am not ur trophy

i am me and me alone without u

i will be utterly self-sufficient, independent

back off and get lost

get off my back, get out of my life

$3.25

left in my bank account.

i’m horrendously broke from poor spending habits and a recent production.

it’s giving me much anxiety and worry i can’t even. i think 2018 is just going to be a year of budgeting and accounting and hopefully saving.

never experienced this much poor-ness in my life before… it’s totally going to change my lifestyle in 2018 man. what a motivated start to the new year

anyway just an update of the mods i’m taking this sem. i’ve finished my core mods so i’m left with science and UE mods. i’m taking the following: LSM1301 (general biology), MA2104 (multivariable calculus), ST2132 (mathematical statistics) and PC1432 (physics IIE). then for the last mod i’m taking CS3243 (introduction to artificial intelligence) which is apparently quite ok.

so ya… no level 4 mods this sem. i could have taken a level 5 machine learning mod but i didn’t wanna kill myself considering the fact that i also didn’t do as well in cs3244 (though much better than expected LOL).

today was my first day of school and it just so happens that all my classes are in science on tuesday. found the lectures today incredibly boring maybe because it was just course introductions and recaps of foundational knowledge. i was surprised to find myself feeling bored even in bio lol.

it’s 11 days to my 22nd bdae… dunno what to expect but i think it will be quite chill. just me doing schoolwork, maybe a meal with my family. i have no money to buy stuff from my wish list so hopefully they will ask me if i want anything for my bdae LOL. i can’t believe i have come to this predicament when i can’t even afford to shop for myself ><

i’m going to start my carousell sales proper and sell off stuff i don’t need and will probably never use. a good way to get some money back and also declutter my room i guess. i’m also going to try and post more on instagram if possible… highly suspect i haven’t posted for 1 whole year HAHA.

i don’t owe u

maybe i’m learning to love myself more

usually i will endure this kind of attitude and turn it into self-guilt

but today i’m just indignant

grow out of ur head man

don’t act like the whole world is supposed to bow down to u and call u king

grow up and learn to work with ppl who really want to help u

this is the life

my go-to song whenever it’s raining and i feel sentimental. or whenever i just wanna ground myself again. i know i have shared countless songs from this album but. u know. good things deserved to be shared more hahahaha.

in the heart of your most solemn barren night

when your souls turn inside out

have you questioned all the madness you invite

what your life is all about

some of us choose to live gracefully

some can get caught in the maze and lose their way home

this is the life we belong to

our gift divine

have you ever wished that you were someone else

traded places in your mind

it’s only a waste of your time

some of us choose to live gracefully

some can get caught in the maze and lose their way home

this is the life we belong to

our gift divine

feed the illusion you dream about

cast out the monsters inside

life begins with an empty slate

fragile left in the hands of fate

driven by love and crushed by hate

until the day the gift is gone and shadows remain

*beautiful guitar riff*

some of us choose to live gracefully

some can get caught in the maze and lose their way home

memories will fade

time races on

what will they say

after you’re gone

this is the life we belong to

our gift divine

our gift divine

(fun fact: i typed all those lyrics only by listening to the song… could have some minor errors)

dried eyes

family. a social construct. ok, practically everything is a social construct. but what is family even? some kind of support community forced upon us from young? a response to our biological inclinations to belong together?

why do ppl naturally desire for support from their family, and expect that their family will support them? what truth does the blood relation thing hold, that can justify our bold claims towards family and what it actually is, if it really is a thing? how can parents, especially mothers, claim to feel such strong bonds towards their children?

what happens then, if ppl don’t fit in, and the family then tries hard to change them? i mean, we all have different worldviews and personalities, right? and what’s with this family-making-decisions-together thing? what if we just have fundamentally different beliefs? why are we forced to compromise?

why on earth are we also expected to tolerate and forgive, when separation would clearly be better for us in the long term? how on earth has family become a crippling factor to our own freedom and happiness? supposedly family is always there for us, but we have to be there for ourselves first. right?

and why are so many people so deeply attached to their family, they worry all the time and even feel guilty for worrying? why can’t our actions and choices affect just us alone, and not cause emotional harm to our family? wouldn’t it make more sense to then choose family who trust us and will choose to walk beside us instead of try to drag us towards another path because of, their worry?

why is there this huge burden for children to obey their parents, and for parents to ensure their children do not make the wrong choices? what on earth, then, are the wrong choices, and by whose standards?

why do i feel so guilty for having these questions, then. am i trapped?

still

quick update, i’m still in love with the same person since 2011. it’s almost 7 years already lol.

don’t wish to say too much because i know y’all are all tired of me talking about fossil so yup just explaining that things are still the same and as a result i’m still unable to fall in love with anyone else.

the good thing is that i can focus more on myself because i prevent myself from getting into a rs. bad thing is that my parents will not be happy about me staying single for so long.

whatever. i don’t need a man.

i seriously have to stop worrying about how other ppl perceive me. yes, i’ve gone on dates but i’ve never been in a proper rs. yes, i’m not working hard enough to put myself out there. yes, i’m emotionally volatile and i would like someone who can care for me.

it’s my own choice and consequences that i have to face alone lor. i will be fine la. i’m almost 22 years old liao leh. i’ve already been through 1/3 of my life. 

#threecheersforsinglehood #godswillbedone