dried eyes

family. a social construct. ok, practically everything is a social construct. but what is family even? some kind of support community forced upon us from young? a response to our biological inclinations to belong together?

why do ppl naturally desire for support from their family, and expect that their family will support them? what truth does the blood relation thing hold, that can justify our bold claims towards family and what it actually is, if it really is a thing? how can parents, especially mothers, claim to feel such strong bonds towards their children?

what happens then, if ppl don’t fit in, and the family then tries hard to change them? i mean, we all have different worldviews and personalities, right? and what’s with this family-making-decisions-together thing? what if we just have fundamentally different beliefs? why are we forced to compromise?

why on earth are we also expected to tolerate and forgive, when separation would clearly be better for us in the long term? how on earth has family become a crippling factor to our own freedom and happiness? supposedly family is always there for us, but we have to be there for ourselves first. right?

and why are so many people so deeply attached to their family, they worry all the time and even feel guilty for worrying? why can’t our actions and choices affect just us alone, and not cause emotional harm to our family? wouldn’t it make more sense to then choose family who trust us and will choose to walk beside us instead of try to drag us towards another path because of, their worry?

why is there this huge burden for children to obey their parents, and for parents to ensure their children do not make the wrong choices? what on earth, then, are the wrong choices, and by whose standards?

why do i feel so guilty for having these questions, then. am i trapped?

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still

quick update, i’m still in love with the same person since 2011. it’s almost 7 years already lol.

don’t wish to say too much because i know y’all are all tired of me talking about fossil so yup just explaining that things are still the same and as a result i’m still unable to fall in love with anyone else.

the good thing is that i can focus more on myself because i prevent myself from getting into a rs. bad thing is that my parents will not be happy about me staying single for so long.

whatever. i don’t need a man.

i seriously have to stop worrying about how other ppl perceive me. yes, i’ve gone on dates but i’ve never been in a proper rs. yes, i’m not working hard enough to put myself out there. yes, i’m emotionally volatile and i would like someone who can care for me.

it’s my own choice and consequences that i have to face alone lor. i will be fine la. i’m almost 22 years old liao leh. i’ve already been through 1/3 of my life. 

#threecheersforsinglehood #godswillbedone

be alright

pretty obsessed with this AG song right now.

just had dinner with huimimn and tried Jolibee for the first time LOL. it’s not bad. needed to rant and also take a break from the mugging and stressing out. 

can’t wait for tmr to be over. i know i’m screwed for machine learning. i think i’ve practically given up on it lol. aiya i’m just so distracted by production stuff i really cannot focus. and plus recently i’m just not in the right mode to study.

i think meeting huimimn helped me to calm down. just now i felt like i was on the verge of breaking. i was overwhelmed with stress practically the whole day. 

some unpleasant things happened recently which made me upset. the day of presentation i was supposed to rehearse and practise my lines. but i kept crying every 5 minutes because i was deeply hurt by someone. now i’m over it because i have converted the hurt into a form of criticism for him? lol

there’s a bit of a deja vu feeling… i rmb in JC i was so caught up with choir stuff that i neglected my studies. nowadays i’m so caught up with film stuff that i’m also neglecting my studies lol. i think it’s possible to balance one. but i subconsciously try to avoid studying.

rethinking taking masters in the future. i don’t think i’ll even get into a good school, given my CAP??? it’s very sian but i guess i should embrace my past and just move on. look towards the future, blah blah blah.

what a terrible state i’m in right now

late night glee

just finished a huge 8MC software engineering project so i’m slightly freer these days.

have been staying up a lot for the past week so i guess my body clock has shifted.

thought i would update u guys since i have a bit of time and can’t do much.

need to contact ppl for my production but now is a bit too late to do so haha. will do that in the morning.

i’ve been feeling a lot better after the project ended. we still have a presentation but aiya.

listening to this song:

i just love to loop john mayer’s from where the light is concert. the music is just so nice and therapeutic.

hope things will be okay. my emotions have stabilised for the past few days and i highly suspect it’s because i’ve been spending more time with my cs3201 groupmates and joking around with them.

maybe laughter is the best medicine? idk.

:)

a new low

i’m broke. 

it dawned upon me when i wanted to top-up my grab credits and the transaction did not go through.

recently i’ve been drinking (not just with ppl but by myself) and splurging my money maybe to make me feel more sane probably.

went shoe-shopping with huimimn ytd and couldn’t even afford to pay for a pair of boots i finally got myself down to buy. it cost around $250 but i had no money.

as much as i would love to be generous and i would also love to be financially independent and pay for things by myself i can’t really afford to do that right now. so i’m probably going to travel around in my mum’s car more often. and i might get the money from my mum to buy me those boots once my current ones screw up.

idk what i have been doing… i just feel like i haven’t been myself this semester. it’s like i’ve been possessed by a spirit or something. i desperately want a way out somehow…

update on my condition

shortly after i posted the previous post, i opened up to an NUS friend for the first time on my condition (i usually dun open up to NUS ppl in general). and it just opened the floodgates so i kept crying and felt much better. for a few days.

now the emotions are all back and i actually have suicidal thoughts so i don’t know what is going on. i guess opening up and crying was just a temporary fix.

i’ve listened to y’all and taken steps to make myself feel better. i downloaded this depression app which can connect me to strangers all around the world who are willing to lend a listening ear. and this app pops up with lotsa comforting messages and stuff. i suppose it could help?

it’s also the first time i actually took the initiative to arrange for a counselling session (i rmb previously it was my friend who had to drag me to the counsellor ><). i guess i should be proud of myself for actively taking these steps to make myself better.

symptoms of severe depression

i know i mia-ed. i’m sorry. but i’m back. if you genuinely care about me, read on further but prep yourself for a really long (and depressing) post. but if you don’t and you’re just here to check me out, prepare to be horrified and tragically disappointed.

it’s 10.48pm. my machine learning assignment is due at 2359. 10% of the total grade. but I spent the past 1 hour completing depression tests online. idk, I just feel that facing my mental issues is much more pertinent than copying a friend’s assignment (i mean i have 1 hour left, and it’s machine learning). and so i can get 10% of my module marks which i totally and completely do not deserve. stupid right, got answer don’t want to copy.

anw i was right about my condition, because literally every single test told me that I am suffering from severe depression. much congratulations to myself.

I know I will probably regret declaring this depression thing here. cuz obviously there are ppl I will want to hide this from. like my project group mates, my family, and idk… future employers? what if after this i don’t get an internship. maybe i’ll just not graduate and just leave school and start work. but what work?

anyway i digressed. i usually try not to talk about my mental state here because I just feel like ppl won’t treat me seriously if they know that I am mentally weak, and can’t do simple stuff because i feel crippled. i mean who would want to hire someone like that? or work with someone like that? or follow a leader like that? questions. doubts.

but i guess I’ve kinda run out of ways to make myself feel better so i’m sharing my deepest thoughts in this space, hoping that this will help me declutter my mind and make sense of what i’m going through right now. i’m typing all these while listening to sad korean songs. hmmm. lemme just share one with y’all now.

of course I’ve shared this song before on my blog. after all, it’s not the first time i’m depressed.

i know in sec 3 i fell in love + started to rebel so i kinda opened up that Pandora’s box of feelings and hormones and stress and emotions and expectations. things just kinda earthquaked. it was such a blur, but yet such a painful time to remember.

idk what happened recently tho. one day in school i just suddenly felt very very crippled. like i was suddenly trapped in a jail cell, unable to get out. i couldn’t do anything anymore and i had no ability to do anything even if i wanted to. i freaked out because there was so much dejavu. i knew i was going back to the past.

i started to panic. i tried to call a friend, i tried to play iPad games to distract myself, i tried to clean my room, i tried to talk more to my family, i tried…

my theory is that it’s just me. me and my mind. funny, when I was young I barely had any emotions. my emotional intelligence was so low, I didn’t even realize I was being bullied in primary school. I think i felt sad but couldn’t really pinpoint my real feelings. i only knew that something didn’t feel right.

but recently i have the dejavu feeling, the feeling that everything is coming back again. i absolutely dread that but i feel like i have no control over my emotions anymore… but this time round i don’t feel like confiding into anyone (unlike last time when i gave myself so many text buddies to rant to).

maybe i just feel like they no longer care / ppl just don’t understand and will never be able to understand.

but if this is really just me and who i will always be, then it’s scary because. i won’t be able to work with anyone anymore as the risk of me falling back into the abyss is too high. idk when it will happen, and idk which inciting incident will make me retreat back into my misery. anyway i think would also rather be alone and sad than to be a burden and cause disappointment to ppl.

maybe ppl like me just don’t belong in the system, where everything is result-oriented, fast-paced and so on. there isn’t really time for a break? and everyone just have so many expectations of me. (on that note, stop mistaking me for a top student because i am most definitely NOT one so pls stop) actually i wish i can just live on a mountain by myself.

i guess nowadays i still think of suicide sometimes? the thought of just rushing out on to the road and having myself getting knocked down by a car keeps flashing in my head. it’s kinda tempting to try it but the success rate is really low so i’m probably never going to do it unless i get drugged / drunk. ok and i also dun wanna go to hell lah.

some of you reading this are probably taking out your phones right now to text me and ask me what’s going on, how i am blahblahblah. pls pardon me if i don’t really want to answer / don’t feel keen to share… it’s just a combination of a lost faith in humanity and much disillusionment towards the idea of friendship etc.

haha what a hopeless freak i am.

(ok i am legitly so scared to post this but. whatever)