31/5

Sad day.

Delivered bouquets for tonight’s show. Opened the backstage door to the confused faces of my nychoir juniors and was plunged into a state of awkwardness before I decided to just proceed in towards the stage left. To my horror, there were more juniors there. And as I looked towards the stage I saw the whole rioHC practising Irritations asdfghjkl

I had to get out straight away so I just hastily put the bouquets on a random table, passed the receipts to Jiaxin and ran off as quickly as possible. I seriously couldn’t stay a second longer if not I would have started crying. And like I said, I hate crying in front of others.

I seriously thought I would be able to persuade my parents to let me go. I was so confident and hopeful… And I had so many people supporting me. My batchmates, teachers, friends… So many times I wanted to just give up but I thought of how much these people encouraged and pushed me on and forced myself to continue to fight for my parents’ approval. I didn’t give up even until the last minute. But it just wasn’t meant to be.

It’s not exactly the best feeling in the world to be standing on the same stage as your choir yet not being able to join them and perform together. I guess I really just need more time to get over this.

BUT

1. YAY I WATCHED MEET THE FOCKERS AND WHITE CHICKS TODAY~

2. Extremely tipsy + open convo with da Uncle today HAHAHA

3. Drilled Chem questions :)

The Moon by The Swell Season

Cut the bonds with the moon

And let the dogs gather

Burn the gauze in the spoon

And suck the poison up

And bleed

 

Shut the door to the moon

And let the birds gather

Play no more with the fool

And let the souls wander

And bleed

From the soul

 

A slow hurt… and it breaks us…

And so down,

Down, down and so plain

So down

When you play some more it seems so

And my friends are past this game

Of breakdowns

And our friends that are lost at sea…

Throe down

And I’ll break the wasted space

Slow down, slow down,

If you don’t slow down, slow down

If you don’t slow down, slow…

 

Cut the bonds with the moon

And watch the dogs gather

30/5

1. Last day of school :) Felt rather tipsy today and sent a lot of retarded things to Uncle and Veggie HAHA. Lunched with some of my closest batchies ^^ but ya so glad I managed to go back home early to sleep cuz I was feeling pretty unwell this week :(

2. Behaved like a drunkard afterwards and kinda enjoyed it.

Anyway i’ve lost faith in this family. I no longer believe in it anymore, and all the people who make it up. I don’t wish to be ungrateful because without my family I won’t be here at all. But I’m really afraid because I think that I’m slowly changing my own perception of family (and marriage) as an institution. I’m increasingly averse to family and the idea of it is becoming so naive and stupid. I never wished for any of this to happen and I really want to feel familial attachment but the reality is that I just don’t.

28/5

1. CSM today was fun with choir batchies and juniors ^^ took many videos and pictures of them like a sports mum HAHA. I’ve always wanted choir to do sports together so I’m glad I managed to fulfill my dream today :)

2. Went for batch lunch and concert debrief when so many people cried but I didn’t. Nowadays I’m not the kind to cry in front of people, especially people who are not part of my family. I have the same vision for our batch as Ms Lim so I’m going to work towards it ^^

3. Watched X-men with a few batchies at Cine! It was really interesting although I had to go to the toilet in the middle of the movie cuz I drank too much HAHA. It feels nice to be around nice ppl so :)

Nowadays I feel like I’m stopping myself from opening up to ppl too much. And I suppress myself from getting too emotionally attached. Maybe this is a defense mechanism I use subconsciously to protect myself from getting hurt again.

I also like to take the easy way out. Past experiences have taught me many things and I can now choose how I want to handle things. I guess I’m neither an idealist and pragmatist because my personality is dynamic and unique? Hard to fit into any category. But sometimes I wonder if I’m doing things the right way because the easy way out might not be the best way. Currently I’m trying to make things less complicated for myself but it’s not going extremely well ><

Sometimes I really doubt my ability to be able to make decisions. There have been many times when I make a decision and think that it's good but then maybe some time later I realize that I have to change my decision. Or it just didn't work out as planned. Many people say I should just live in the present but the consequences of wrong decisions can be quite dire :(

Perhaps there are still many things in me that I cannot let go of. These regrets always haunt me and prevent me from making certain decisions. I like decisive people but I guess there are always shortcomings of this.

I believe in positivity and looking towards the future. I have screwed up so much but it just means that I have more to improve of myself, and I know how to do things better now. A lot of times, it's all about balance. Once the balance is right, things will start to fall into place.

rioHC

Tomorrow marks my last day with rioHC.

My experience has been tumultuous yet enriching :)

I still remember myself crying during Nov last year because I didn’t receive any reply from Cassmain after my audition.  Then I decided to join Interact or something. But then a few weeks later Yu Xian contacted me and asked me to come so it turns out that I actually got in but wasn’t informed ._. This experience made me realize how fortunate I am to be chosen to be part of this choir. From then on, I told myself that I would treasure my time and put in my best for rioHC.

Holiday pracs were tough because SYF was coming and our standard was really quite bad especially the Sops >< We got singled out and scolded almost every practice. I felt so lost and scared at first because Ms Lim was always so angry at us :'( But my batchmates and Sop seniors were ever so supportive <3 I remember the IP ex-choir batch was rather awkward at first because we were still adapting to rioHC but had to come together to choreograph for CNY LOL. But I’m so glad we managed to break the ice and work together :)Although SYF was emotionally and physically draining for us, we managed to pull through and score Distinction. We also got some good feedback from the judges yay ^^

After that was preparation for VIM. J1s were in charge and I got allocated to head Ticketing with Josh. It was a pretty hectic and stressful experience because of so many things we had to do and so many details that we had to take into account. I’m really grateful for him during that period of time. If not I probably would have broken down or something. I’ve also learnt a lot of useful skills from the experience so YAY.

After VIM, it was elections and I was having a hard time choosing between 4 positions I was nominated for like WHUT… But in the end I chose Treasurer cuz I realized that I would be very very sad if someone else got the role of Treasurer and got to handle choir fund… Then I realized that Josh was running for Secretary and I was like YAY HOPE WE’LL END UP BEING SEC-TREAS TOGETHER and taadaa~ LOL

The next big thing was NDP when I had to work with Josh to choreograph movements for the songs HAHAHA. It was a pretty turbulent and intense(?) experience hehe. We also took the opportunity to get to know and understand each other more. I’m just so glad everything worked out in the end. :) I also had fun teaching Llama how to do a wave with his hand LOL. Really grateful to have Yunmei and Uncle to help us too~

Choir was a blur after that because of promos and HK trip and S. Africa trip but I remember Josh and I plus the RMs and seal coming together to plan chalet together heehee. Previously amongst all the batchmates I had only worked so closely with NYChoir EXCO and Josh and Bryce(?) (for CNY) so it was nice to work with Monkey Seal Tree Goose and Llama TAAHAA. Chalet was fun as I grew closer to the Tenors and realized that they are all really nice people to hang around with so :)))

I love my batch hehehe. Do you all remember the ships:

Cheung Cheng Yunshua Jiarah Keng Kang Rashen Jocy etc.

I’m proud to say that I invented like probably more than 80% of the ships LOL. Some of the ships are still flying pretty high like CAIRYCE <33333 Ultimate OTP no one can replace. Like seriously. THEY ARE SO CUTEEEEEEEEE

I’m gonna miss my batch so much :'( All the dinners and stuff. I’m so glad we have found our batch sound YAY. All the memories will be kept inside me forever. Many changes have happened when people (like me) just drifted apart from one another because of certain reasons and gotten closer to other people but I’m just happy that we are still one big family after all. :)

Thank God for giving me the opportunity to care for so many people in my batch. Watching you all mature and grow is really heartening for me :’)  You know who you all are lah HAHA. I really love you all so much <333

May everything go according to your will, Lord.

The war

So many old problems are resurfacing nowadays. But I’m going to stay true to myself and firm in Christ. Nothing, absolutely nothing can break me now. I will triumph, just watch.

Being honest after a long time

It’s pretty obvious that I’m in a really shitty mood nowadays. Idk how I’m going to handle Arts Fest and Solstice without breaking down because I already did so 3 times just now but I’m still feeling very teary :'(

I’m really conflicted now >< On one hand, I can't wait to step down because I really need to take a break. And after that I seriously have to settle down and start chionging my acads. On the other hand, I'm dreading the 25th because it will be a very emotional day for me and I will do anything not to cry. Like spam funny YouTube videos or something when I can. I seriously hate showing my tears :'(

Feeling extremely stressed out because everything is raining down on me again by God's will. I hate my stupid tears so stupid can you just stop crying