muscle strain

suspecting that I got plantaris grade II strain. might be tennis leg. alr tore the ligament in sec 3 or 4 and fortunately it healed over the years. never dared to stretch my left leg too much again just in case. then about a month ago I almost tripped over a boy while playing the shark game because the kids were tugging at my shirt ._. so I fell and felt a searing pain in the ligament at the back of my knee. didn’t help that a girl hugged and refused to let go of my left leg after the game and made me koala-walk her to class. that night and the next morning I was limping everywhere but luckily the pain subsided fast into an almost non-existent numbed twinge. but I realized that the condition of my leg (aside from the pain) hasn’t really improved. maybe I should seek treatment. but my friends know that I hate going to the doctor’s. hmm. I guess I’ll see first bah. I’m just being more careful nowadays when I fold my legs and bend my knee. I do it like 5 times slower than before lol.

anw I’m not sure if I’ve blogged about this but I found out that I will be a terrible mum in the future. which is kinda depressing. i’m really not strict enough and the thought of being almost completely be in control of some little person’s life is frightening. maybe that’s why I’m thinking about whether it is really necessary for me to set up a family in the future. marriage sounds kinda scary now. maybe cuz I thought he was the one. turns out that he’s just like the rest of the guys. makes me think about like what if I get together with someone in the future and I think he’s the one, and turns out he’s not? like what happened with fossil? maybe I just haven’t regained my faith in relationships. but actually there’s not much point in that. as for kids? there isn’t much point either.

ok I do sound kinda disillusioned.

realize that I’m extremely blessed with overly protective parents who do their best to shield me from the harsh environment of my workplace. I heard that my boss is genuinely intimidated by my parents lol. I think she knows that if she takes advantage of me, she will be accountable to my parents who know the labour laws extremely well haha. I hope my treatment at work will improve slowly bah :)

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otw to my boss’ house to attend her bdae BBQ party now… feeling a bit scared cuz it’s the first time I’m going to put the malay etiquette stuff I learnt from MSP into practical use (hopefully not) haha. I hope there are going to be teenagers + young adults I can talk to LOL. in English. :P ok lah in Bahasa Melayu also can. I’ll try my best ><

I wish I can bring my daddy along but unfortunately I think he’s not invited… cuz he’ll make my boss very stressed LOL. I’m giving my boss a self-help book as a present cuz obviously I dun have the fashion sense to choose some branded thing for her. hope she doesn’t get offended by the title ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ HAHA.

but tbh this book will be really helpful if she chooses to read it. it’s 3 books in 1 cover, about life, work and money respectively. was kinda on the pricey side but nothing as compared to the hundred-dollar accessories and bags that I predict she’s going to get from the other invitees LOL. if she really gets offended I’m prepared to leave my job. 

HAHA jokes aside, I know my colleagues are trying to read me but I’m not opening myself up to them as far as possible bec I don’t fully trust them. and the age gap is kinda huge so it’s a bit difficult to be friends as well. that’s why although my colleague will be going (hopefully) for the BBQ I dun foresee it to be a good experience later cuz the teacher I replaced will be there and I think they will just leave me out cuz they are quite close. 

shucks I’ve reached. wish me luck ><

Leaving GPC for good

Suddenly realized that I will be much happier committing myself to another church now, instead of getting burdened by the responsibility(?) of going back to GPC. 

I don’t regret coming to this church. I wouldn’t be who I am right now without GPC. GPC was a huge part of my childhood. But that was in the past. 

Too many things have happened and I just don’t think I can be happy going back again. 

I’m sorry. I think I am breaking my promise. 

I know u all have been trying to bring me back, because u all are concerned that I will drift away from God and/or have no fellowship with Christians etc. 

But have any of u ever considered why I left? 

(Not that I would have told u all but still)

Have any of u ever considered that I would be happier without GPC? That there was something haunting me so much in church that I could sacrifice the fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ I’ve known for half my life, and leave my second home? 

I’ve had enough of getting in touch with church friends because at some point in the conversation or meetup there will definitely be some talk about

1. why I left church

2. church is impt so I should go back

3. church peeps miss me

Can we just leave it?? Can we just talk like normal people and lay off the church topic seriously?? Can we just accept that I won’t be going back and MOVE ON?? 

The power of appreciation

Was dreading the first day of school but today turned out to be a surprisingly lovely day <3

I always do my makeup in the car otw to school hehe ^^ Tried a new eyebrow pencil and highlighter today and the results were pretty good ˆᴗˆ Arrived in school at around 8.15am so I only had time to do a bit of QT (secretly) before the schoolbus children came. Was delighted to meet my cuties and we had a lovely Morning Session with almost no crop ups although as usual there was barely any time for the PG + N1s cuz Circle Time always drags HAHA. 

During Afternoon Session for the K1s, I managed to get the other kids to do some individual work while I worked with this boy. Previously I received a comment from this boy’s mummy requesting me to work on the fundamentals with him more instead of just rushing through the syllabus, which made me really upset cuz I have so many kids to take care of during the Afternoon Session which is only like 20 min for K1s for Chinese?? He only comes for Afternoon Session and is one of the most hyperactive boys who just cannot sit still. How am I supposed to expect him to be of the same level as the rest of the kids??? But during the school holidays, I took some time to revamp my lesson plans and decided to just focus most of my attention on him during Afternoon Session since the rest of the Afternoon Session K1s all had two sessions. After I went through quite a few pages of the March book with him today (thank God), he hugged me and said ‘Thank you for teaching me 老师’. 

My heart melted. 

And I decided that I don’t mind working harder and putting in more effort to teach this kid.

I realized that teachers really need to feel appreciated. Maybe not just teachers. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. Maybe there is a meaning to celebrating birthdays after all. To show people how grateful we are to have them in our lives. 

<3

The rest of the day went on well. Had a birthday celebration and as usual enjoyed running around with my kiddies during Circle Time HAHA. Proud to say that my Circle Time is the most physically active out of all the Circle Time LOL. #heehee

When the boss and one of the teachers left to settle some stuff in the other school, only me and another teacher were left. After our lessons, we talked about Physics cuz one of the students asked ‘Why is the sun red?’ and ‘What is a force?’ LOL. We then proceeded on to talking about Christianity and salvation. Honestly it was nice to have the opportunity to talk so freely about Christianity without the Muslims around HAHA. 

A few days ago, I really really wanted to quit because I couldn’t stand the negativity that my boss was giving me for the past few days. I felt totally useless and worthless to her. However, I decided not to do that when my colleague came back from overseas the next day and affirmed my capability, renewing my confidence as an educator ˆᴗˆ

Appreciation is so important. Maybe it’s time to take birthdays more seriously and show gratitude to the ones I treasure <3

Forget the past

I don’t want to be tied down by my past anymore. It’s emotionally draining and absolutely meaningless. I’ve decided to move on to bigger and better things. When you realize that you no longer see any meaning in something, it’s the time for you to JUST STOP.

I try and I try, but I have to admit that I’m emotionally incapable of giving second chances to anyone anymore. (unless you are part of my family) Although my pain is weakening, the trust that I’ve lost has not been found. Forgiving is one thing. Trusting is another thing altogether.

Distance really draws people apart. I’m finding it harder and harder to understand you. I can potentially be hurt by you. Is it time to activate my defense mechanism?

We choose. 

People like us can’t be loved. 

We can’t make people feel happy. Maybe people will pity us for a while or find us cute, but once they have fully exhausted our utility value, or when they can no longer wait for us to change, they will just deem us as useless and incapable in pleasing them. We are eventually discarded and abandoned, until we meet our new owners. 

But we do not deserve this treatment. We are entitled to our own dignity and self-respect. We are made to be strong and courageous. We are chosen as survivors. We can choose the people we trust and devote ourselves to.

That is why we should embrace ourselves. We are fighters. We do not tolerate weakness.