No explanations

I’m an expert at running away. And I usually do not give explanations. Idk why I became like that. Maybe I’ve become a coward. 

Alternatively, I can be seen as brave to be able to make such harsh choices for myself. 

Anyway, it’s no point crying over spilt milk. If I had the chance to redo my choices, I would probably make the same decisions. Just have to forget the past and move on. 

I know quite a lot of people who want an answer for me. Sorry, u all deserve the right to know. But I’m just tired of being exposed. 

A shitty day

Just one of the days when everything just goes wrong and I can’t find a reason to smile. I guess a lot of times kids just don’t realize that teachers cry too. 

I don’t think I’m strong enough for this. I’m on the verge of going back to who I was before. I’m really just a newbie teacher who doesn’t know anything. And I can’t do anything. All I can do is to present myself more and more as a victim. 

Recently I’ve been feeling really down. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but I think it’s because I realized that my life is screwed up. My work, family, health and friendships are taking a toll on me. I guess it’s cuz I realized that I am a failure at everything. Nothing is working out. 

‘Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.’ (‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭16-18‬ NIV)

But I’m dying inside. 

I want to end everything. 

教书

老师前阵子对教书产生了恐惧感。

也许是老师对自己的要求太高,不喜欢使用传统的教学方式,且发现自己其实不够了解小孩子的心智。老师在工作上遇到了许多瓶颈,让老师对自己的工作能力大大地质疑,信心也受到了严重的冲击。

相信老师的多数好友都知道,老师很喜欢小猪罗志祥。其实,老师现在对他没有太大的迷恋,但老师觉得他的工作态度还是值得效仿的。小猪在演艺圈陷入低潮期时,频频遭到媒体和大众的嘲讽。但是,他并没有放弃当一名艺人,经过多年的辛苦耕耘,才等到了现在出类拔萃的成绩。他把自己称为“打不死的蟑螂”,因为无论发生什么事,他都不会让自己被击倒。

做老师,真的很累。老师面对的不单单只是难教的学生,还有望子成龙,望女成凤的父母亲。再加上老板和同事们对老师工作表现不满意的眼光,老师真的很容易被累垮。

但是,老师的工作也给了老师一丝丝成就感。看到天真可爱的小孩子(和小宝宝)无忧无虑地玩乐学习,是老师在这个工作前进的动力。加上上帝最近常在老师灵修的时候提醒老师注目看耶稣,不要为自己的困难感到自卑和沮丧。老师自己的力量是不足的,一定要靠着耶稣才可以战胜人生的种种挑战。

老师决定继续留在学校,直到六月底或七月中。只要老师多仰望依靠主,一定能变成一名真正的好老师。荣耀归主!

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An update

As of 5 min ago, my temperature was 38.9 degrees Celsius. I’ve been having my flu for around 10 days now but my temp just keeps rising like nobody’s business whenever the Panadol’s effect wears off. Only comforting thing is that my cough and runny nose have stabilised today. Actually maybe that’s bec I’m not in school today and I have a break from shouting at my kids all the time lol. Kinda happy that I’ve been given an MC for tmr as well! Hope that my boss will lemme stay at home tmr hehe ^^ If not maybe I shall quit. 

Haha idk lah. My mum will make the decision. She has the final say. But I’m pretty sure that if my temperature doesn’t go back to normal tmr she will forbid me to go to work. Hehe.

I’ve been suspecting that this is not just a simple flu but I’m not too sure as well cuz my blood test results are not abnormal. They just reflect the results of a healthy alpha Thalassemia patient. Hmm. But well even if I got Ebola or something it might not be up to the test results to show right now since it’s only been 10 days bah. And kinda bad but I’m suspecting one of my children actually spread the virus to me. When I get back to school maybe I shall examine the attendance records properly and see who did it. 

Very tempted to put a sheet mask (since I have tons of them) cuz it’s cold and might be able to help me lower my temperature. But I shall not try anything funny bah. Lol. 

Msia post

Technically not a Msia post because I can’t possibly post this in Msia cuz I’m currently otw back to Sgp. But well it’s maybe like a disorganised summary of the thoughts and reflections I had (and am still having) on my Msia trip. 

Probably the 2nd or 3rd time I’m in Msia to pay respects to my relatives without my bro with me. Managed to read up on some Programming in the car and draw up some messy mind maps :P Ok but seriously it’s practically impossible for me to write neatly in a fast moving car. Finally finished my Freshman Guide. I was going through it at a snail’s pace before this trip LOL. 

Yay my parents are allowing me to renovate my room! I have to get it done by the end of May cuz my bro’s coming back in June to take back his room from this illegal occupant here haha. I’ve decided to do the moving out + planning this month then renovation work + moving in next month. As of now the WiFi connection in my room is terrible and the aircon has completely stopped working LOL. And my room is cluttered with lots of books and toys which I need to give away or donate. For any of my cheapskate readers who want stuff but dun wanna fork out a single cent, feel free to pm me to ask for stuff! Cuz I can already see myself filling out huge cardboard boxes and plastic bags with stuff then sending them to the Salvation Army. 

But it leaves me with a really busy month ahead cuz I’ll have to take time out to read up on more Programming, do renovations and do school work like teaching plans and 儿歌 + art and craft research etc. I teach from 9am to 5.30pm on Sundays with a short lunch break inbetween. But I’ve given myself the rest of the day to rest and pamper myself HAHA. After all Sunday is Sabbath Day what :P And girls need their pampering routine hehe. 

The bulk of my weekday nights will still be spent on Programming cuz well I kinda prefer doing that as compared to the rest heehee. I’m ok with renovation plans and stuff but they shouldn’t take up so much time imo. As for school work ERRRR. Hate it. HAHA. I really don’t like my work but I’m just doing it for responsibility and my kids. Shan’t start complaining here now because if I do I’ll probably never stop. But it’s not about the nature of the job. It’s my school’s system.

Radio signals are in, just waiting for microwave signals so that I can post this. And go check my scholarship application status for the umpteenth time. The status is still pending >< I’m not sure if I will get shortlisted but even if I do, there is a low chance that I will get the scholarship I think. Some netizen said that they only give the scholarship to CCA Chairmen and Captains :( Hoping that that is not true and trying not to worry too much but I guess it’ll be a pity if I don’t get the scholarship cuz I really worked hard on the essay LOL. But perhaps it won’t be too bad cuz I can still apply for MOE Tuition Grant. 

Kinda regret not applying for IDA NIS scholarship with concurrent degree with Carnegie Mellon for Masters in Entertainment Technology >< At least if I don’t get NUS scholarship I might get NIS eh. But I might regretting becoming an IDA scholar as well cuz I might miss out on SEP, i-SP, i-Intern and the Silicon Valley NOC which is really really appealing to me right now heehee. And I guess I might lose interest in Media along the way, idk HAHA. 

Yay finally reached sgp after the horrible jam heehee! But it’s like my sleep time now LOL