to my most trusted boyboy

thank u for making my time at the school such a meaningful one ˆᴗˆ I can’t believe that it took only such a short time for u to trust me and open up to me so much ^^ 

we shared some really awesome memories hehe. rmb how we just communicated with each other through eye contact when some ppl said / did kinda stupid stuff HAHA. I also love how u always like to play with my hair whenever u are near me, whether I am talking to u or someone else. the times when ur parents came to fetch u late were kinda a blessing in disguise cuz it gave us time to bond hehe ^^ u would help me with the date chart as well as arranging the Montessori materials and library corner. then after that we would play soccer together using the baby table as the goalpost HAHA. it’s nice that the afternoon session kids have learnt from u and have all started to help me while waiting for the schoolbus ˆᴗˆ

and not forgetting the endless stories that u always tell me during class / art and craft, when we are alone HAHA. we spend so much time talking yet u are still the fastest K2 in terms of work LOL. rmb when ur little gf suddenly said u are not her bf anymore. I was the first person u confided into ˆᴗˆ and until now u are still waiting for me to one day pop by ur house HAHA. u definitely managed to drill the directions to ur house into my head LOL. u even asked me to write it down hehe ^^ 

was elated (I’m not exaggerating here) when I found out that u are Christian. actually when I found out that half of my K2s are Christian I was practically overjoyed. I couldn’t control my excitement and I even let all of u read the Children’s Bible during Chinese class that day and explained Creation, Man’s first fall to sin and Salvation to u all LOL. (dun tell anyone haha) felt a greater sense of closeness when u mentioned that u knew what Jesus’ Chinese name is cuz from there I figured that u attend Chinese service yayy.  

there’s just so much passion and positivity in a small boyboy like u ˆᴗˆ the world is going to try and bring u down but always remember that God’s creation is magnificent and everything happens according to His perfect will. Do not fixate urself on earthly desires, but focus on our Father in Heaven who is the only perfection that we can and need to embrace <3 always stay true to urself, dun succumb too much to peer pressure (this is actually advice for the future lah cuz I can tell that now u dun really care about social standards and stuff now LOL) and lose urself in the process. in doubt always come back to the Bible k. 

although sticking to one’s own style has its advantages (eg we are genuinely satisfied with our ourselves and what we are doing every day), it can be tough to face the judgment of others who might perceive us to be eccentric, closed up, out-of-date etc. sometimes ppl can also define us based on circumstances that we cannot control that affect us directly. whatever happens, do not be fazed. always align urself according to God and His standards and seek to please Him more than anyone else ˆᴗˆ

idk why these few days u haven’t been coming to school… :( but in the future pls take care of urself k. seriously u come for 2 sessions but ur waterbottle can still be quite full by the end of the day… *shakes head* drink more water pls!! and eat proper food, not those snacks that u always bring LOL. 

I’m going to miss u. thank u for all the memories and God bless u boyboy~~~

HUGGG!! <3

Advertisements

what’s wrong with me

everyone has their own shit. some just deal with it better than others. as for me, I 
can’t pinpoint exactly my problem. but I must say that recently my self-esteem has plummeted because of social reasons. I’m finding myself being more and more closed up, unwilling to converse with ppl and even friends. 

I suspected that I’m just in a bad mood recently. but I don’t really feel like watching movies either which is weird. and I don’t feel like binge eating like I usually do when I’m upset.

maybe I’ve realized that I’m a weirdo. LOL. and it’s going to take a miracle for me to find someone who can accept me for who I am, not trying to change me. I find myself alone once again. no one is taking me seriously anymore. 

I’m needy for support cuz I can’t be independent. I need someone. I guess I just don’t deserve to be cared for, because caring for me is both mentally draining and emotionally exhausting. I finally realized what it means to feel like not part of this universe. 

do I really need someone here with me? I thought having God is enough. 

to the cutest boy in the world

sorry boyboy. I’m going to leave, earliest on 7 June. 

laoshi really can’t thank u enough for the memories that we shared ^^ my work at the school was made 10 times better with u there heehee. although now most of the children have slowly found love in me and my classes, u have been my most loyal fan from the start ˆᴗˆ after circle time u will always come and hold my hand, asking ‘are u going to teach us chinese?’ in ur adorable voice. I love the little pout u make whenever I say have to teach the PG + N1 first heehee. 

laoshi really loves how u always jump around and do ur gymnastic (or just purely random) stunts then fall down like 100 times but laugh it off and get up immediately to try again ˆᴗˆ u are always so eager to learn chinese, and things like how to take out ur own pampers and sheeshee by urself (although u always want me to accompany u LOL) ^^ 

u are honestly the cutest boy in the world to laoshi and I really really envy ur parents for having u :'( u can brighten up anyone’s day with that cheerful disposition of urs seriously. and the way u chuckle at almost everything is really cute <333 laoshi has been spending a lot of time with u teaching u stuff like 一二三四五六七八九十 and colours and 十二生肖. I’m always amazed at how u never seem to remember what brown, purple, yellow and pink are no matter how many times I have tested u. but u mastered 橙色 and 黑色 so fast it’s weird LOL. then u always forget what is after 鼠牛虎兔龙蛇马 then I always have to say mayang mayang mayang so u can remember the 羊 HAHAHA. but I’m sure u have forgotten it. I shall test u tmr again heehee ^^ I just love the way u call me teacher 老师 although the ‘teacher’ is pretty redundant HAHA. 

I’m going to miss u so much… but I know u are going to have a super bright future ^^ u are very responsible and principled for a 4 year old. I probably shouldn’t be saying this (in case ur parents and/or future teachers get to see this), but I like that u choose to follow the rules u wanna follow (like what I do HAHA). the world is going to get more complicated through ur baby eyes, so it’s stupid to blindly follow rules LOL. but u are also humble enough to learn when u are really wrong heehee. u are also SUPER TALENTED at almost everything seriously. (except maybe in learning Chinese oops HAHA) I’m amazed by ur somersaults, ur boundless imagination, ur super cute hip hop dance moves etc. do learn to take care of urself when laoshi is gone okayyy. be 乖乖 ^^ like how ur sister loves laoshi, laoshi loves u (and ur sister too!) <3

and remember MAYANG!!! haha. 

i thought crying in the shower was a thing of the past. 

i thought God’s words could fill me up. i thought as long as i persevered, i could get through this mess and finally regain true happiness. but realization has dawned on me that i am too weak to fight on anymore. here i am, all alone, expected to fix life’s problems by myself, with all these broken pieces left of me. i guess i have just been unwilling to admit that i am a weakling.

read this

to the friend who texted me at 8.29 pm on 3rd May with ‘Hey friend. How are you?’:

I agree that we had that connection. I felt it too. I felt that even if the whole world didn’t understand me, u would. I depended on u so much. But u just left me to die. U scarred me and made me into the paranoid and untrusting person I am now. 
I still don’t understand why u have to come back and reconnect with me. There are definitely other ppl u can be friends with. I have the feeling that u need me, but u don’t necessarily want me. And after u go through this phase of ur life, u will leave me for someone better. 

But I decided to give u another chance. 

Just because I believe that everyone deserves to be loved. Despite everything that happened in the past, I am willing to be a channel of God’s love for u. Now, I just want u to be ok. 

I embark on this friendship with much fear and trepidation. I don’t expect that things will go back to how they were before, because I am hardening myself. So when u eventually leave, I will not be hurt again. 

But before that happens, I will be here for u. 

empathy

I think I did a service learning project about empathy before. was it with PSL? I forgot alr. maybe it’s the Singa Lion Kindness Movement thingum. but anyway I think I didn’t fully understand what empathy was about until now. 

Met up with a friend on Monday(?) and we ranted a lot about work LOL. sometimes the nature of our work inevitably exposes us to negative actions and behaviour, which makes us lose passion and start to doubt our initial choices. 

but I got reminded of something. the thing is, everybody just wants to survive. (sounds familiar, SOT ex-students?) that’s why we have backstabbers, boot-lickers and even criminals. as soon as we understand that, it will be easier to empathise with others and just make ourselves happier. 

of course it’s also incredibly difficult to not judge others based on their actions and behaviour. all of us have a set of principles and values that we abide by. so there will definitely be ppl who irk and maybe even offend us even if they dun mean to do so. 

sometimes I really just find myself in such a dilemma