I think a lot of close ones will know that I just can’t wait to grow up. I keep thinking about marriage and kids and retirement and retirement. lol.
but recently, I’ve become a little scared of growing up. I’m scared of all the situations I’m going to be put in and the problems I’m going to face. alone. adulthood doesn’t seem as nice as I thought it should be. adults are no longer sheltered and protected from external threats and aggression as compared to when they were younger. they have to face everything head-on.
a friend’s friend of mine called to partner for a business recently but I just intuitively rejected him straightaway before he could explain anything else to me. maybe it’s bec my mum taught me not to trust strangers since young. or maybe I’m just uncomfortable with the idea of setting up a business at such a young age and hoping that it will succeed?
前车之鉴，后事之师。the thing is as we grow up we internalise more and more guiding principles in life which supposedly should help us make better decisions. but I realize that we have also naturally and conveniently limited the number of choices that we can make in life.
so going by this logic by right it should be easier to be an adult since we know better what to and not to do. but why is adulthood then so much more complicated? why can’t we just use the guidelines that have been nailed into our head from young to show ourselves where we should go?
maybe it’s cuz these guidelines are only applicable to us up to a certain point. as we transit into the awkward stage of adolescence, we start to question all the 所谓的金玉良言 that we heard as children. and a lot of times, we don’t get our questions answered until we have alr suffered a fair bit halfway into adulthood.
perhaps the reason why adults always tell us to treasure and cherish our childhood is bec adults have alr been through it, so they consider life as a kid to be easier in a way, and of course more enjoyable. like 比较得心应手。I guess the notion that u are good at something is pretty appealing, cuz everyone wants to be some sort of a winner. the feeling of being valued directly translates into one’s life purpose and without that purpose, it’s almost too difficult to try and continue living.
sometimes I wish I can just cut off all my emotions and do things rationally. but God created us as organisms who can feel. we can be scared and we can get hurt. maybe the reason why he gave us this ability is to make us desire Him when we are put in difficult circumstances. maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be doing now. like drawing closer than ever to Him in such times of loneliness and despair.
during the past few years, I was probably a bit obsessed with feeding my negative emotions. when I was feeling sad, I listened to emo songs and read all their lyrics, probably to find a way to recognise and give an explanation to the existence of the emotional monster in me. I deliberately made myself think of sad things to make myself even sadder. I was dwelling rather comfortably in my dark abyss of misery, seeking to dig deeper and deeper into this emotional black hole. but well, I was sick so I wasn’t really thinking about the consequences of this.
but I realised that I have changed? nowadays dramatic events can only prick me and if something really major happens, I do all I can (mostly work) to distract myself from the sadness and hope that time will heal me. I’m not sure if it means that I’m stronger and less ‘loser’ nowadays. maybe. but I know that I definitely prefer the person I am right now, bec it means that I am no longer actively screwing up my life, but am working even harder to better myself and make life work for me.
I’m really sad nowadays but I’m trying to be strong. pls pray for me if u can. I hope that I can get back up soon. thanks. ˆᴗˆ