it’s scary

I think a lot of close ones will know that I just can’t wait to grow up. I keep thinking about marriage and kids and retirement and retirement. lol.

but recently, I’ve become a little scared of growing up. I’m scared of all the situations I’m going to be put in and the problems I’m going to face. alone. adulthood doesn’t seem as nice as I thought it should be. adults are no longer sheltered and protected from external threats and aggression as compared to when they were younger. they have to face everything head-on. 

a friend’s friend of mine called to partner for a business recently but I just intuitively rejected him straightaway before he could explain anything else to me. maybe it’s bec my mum taught me not to trust strangers since young. or maybe I’m just uncomfortable with the idea of setting up a business at such a young age and hoping that it will succeed? 

前车之鉴,后事之师。the thing is as we grow up we internalise more and more guiding principles in life which supposedly should help us make better decisions. but I realize that we have also naturally and conveniently limited the number of choices that we can make in life.

so going by this logic by right it should be easier to be an adult since we know better what to and not to do. but why is adulthood then so much more complicated? why can’t we just use the guidelines that have been nailed into our head from young to show ourselves where we should go? 

maybe it’s cuz these guidelines are only applicable to us up to a certain point. as we transit into the awkward stage of adolescence, we start to question all the 所谓的金玉良言 that we heard as children. and a lot of times, we don’t get our questions answered until we have alr suffered a fair bit halfway into adulthood. 

perhaps the reason why adults always tell us to treasure and cherish our childhood is bec adults have alr been through it, so they consider life as a kid to be easier in a way, and of course more enjoyable. like 比较得心应手。I guess the notion that u are good at something is pretty appealing, cuz everyone wants to be some sort of a winner. the feeling of being valued directly translates into one’s life purpose and without that purpose, it’s almost too difficult to try and continue living. 

sometimes I wish I can just cut off all my emotions and do things rationally. but God created us as organisms who can feel. we can be scared and we can get hurt. maybe the reason why he gave us this ability is to make us desire Him when we are put in difficult circumstances. maybe that’s what I’m supposed to be doing now. like drawing closer  than ever to Him in such times of loneliness and despair. 

during the past few years, I was probably a bit obsessed with feeding my negative emotions. when I was feeling sad, I listened to emo songs and read all their lyrics, probably to find a way to recognise and give an explanation to the existence of the emotional monster in me. I deliberately made myself think of sad things to make myself even sadder. I was dwelling rather comfortably in my dark abyss of misery, seeking to dig deeper and deeper into this emotional black hole. but well, I was sick so I wasn’t really thinking about the consequences of this. 

but I realised that I have changed? nowadays dramatic events can only prick me and if something really major happens, I do all I can (mostly work) to distract myself from the sadness and hope that time will heal me. I’m not sure if it means that I’m stronger and less ‘loser’ nowadays. maybe. but I know that I definitely prefer the person I am right now, bec it means that I am no longer actively screwing up my life, but am working even harder to better myself and make life work for me. 

I’m really sad nowadays but I’m trying to be strong. pls pray for me if u can. I hope that I can get back up soon. thanks. ˆᴗˆ

can’t sleep hehe.

came home at 12 midnight today after watching 2 bball SEA games matches with 桃子 :) my eyes are quite droopy but my brain is still crazy active so i decided to just climb out of bed and secretly get my com (and phone teehee) so i can type a nice midnight post for u guys <3 (while listening to bossa nova music. #dalife)

to start off, SEA games. the bball matches we watched today, or rather, yesterday, weren’t really interesting or anything but i felt a pretty strong singapore spirit during the women’s match between msia and sgp. like there was so much cheering and it was so loud and patriotic! <3 something like defend and let’s go singapore let’s go hehe. then whenever we managed to shoot in all of us (at least at my side) would unanimously raise their hands and cheer ^^ although we lost against msia (kinda expected as well) i wasn’t sad at all haha. 毕竟希望越大,失望越高。haha jkjk. no lah just that i was more interested in other things than the results of the match bah. like this singaporean bballer with dyed short hair who looks quite petite (or maybe it’s just cuz i was watching from the last row lol) who is super cute cuz when she runs her hair bobs up and down. she’s quite quick and agile heehee. like a little mouse.

dun really know what to talk about now but just that i’m pretty happy? i’ve gotten over the recent past (some things happened inevitably) and i’ve learnt to smile through adversity :) it really isn’t worth beating myself up over things i can’t control. no matter what happens, i know that God has His perfect plan for me. He always has my back yayyee. and one thing i’m certain about is that He’ll never get tired of me like other ppl bah.

i said that i am still writing my leaving post right. but as i re-read it, i find that certain things should not be posted (e.g. my complaints about the school system). so i shall do a short leaving message here, since i have the time now anyway :) so here goes. my experience in the school has been really humbling actually. all my friends’ compliments about my motherly nature and suitability as a kindergarten teacher gave me a lot of confidence when i first took up this job. unfortunately this confidence eventually got crushed by the harsh realities of the real working world lol. i realized that one’s aptitude isn’t the only factor that determines whether one will do well in something. determination and resilience are a huge part of success too :) (however cliched that might sound) there were a lot of times when i felt like giving up, cuz i found it difficult to reach the high standards that were expected of me. but a part of me (and my QT heehee) kept telling me that i should not escape from adversity. so i persevered and just continued to improve myself, making myself become a better teacher every following day. then i slowly found out that certain challenges that haunted me a month ago were non-problems a month later :)

i must say that i gave a lot to this school for the time i have been here (slightly less than half a year bah). i do regret certain things but i’m generally proud of most of my decisions and actions heehee. i would definitely want to be a kindergarten teacher again but not as a permanent job lah. cuz too much to handle and salary quite pathetic man lol. unless i’m my own boss and can set my own rules. then it’ll be different hehe. personally i dun think that preschool children need to know so much?? so i think if i were to have my own childcare / kindergarten / preschool enrichment centre i would cut out quite a lot of syllabus and put in more moral + national + cultural + environmental education. cuz imo an academically and intellectually rich student is still poor without these soft knowledge. and definitely give more teacher-student and student-student interaction time hehe.

feeling a bit sleepy now so i guess i’ll just watch some videos before sleeping heehee. i think i’ll go and cycle tmr! heehee yay. nights!

HUGGY! <3

major changes

in the middle of a leaving post regarding my job but I don’t seem to be very motivated to finish it up lol. I alr wrote quite a fair bit but it seems like there are just so many other things to write. I actually feel like writing about all the teachers and students but that is a bit crazy I think. idk haha. well I hope the post will be completed by end of June which is when I’m really going to leave the school ><

so many things have happened in the first half of this year. kinda more than I expected lol. I guess these few days of rest have given me the time to clear out and organise my thoughts. and get a hold of my life lol. never thought that the path I’ll end up taking is going to be so extreme but I’ve also kinda realized that that’s me :P

I’ve been thinking that the paranoia that has been crippling me is a problem that needs to be eradicated over time. but I guess I’m going to embrace it from now on ˆᴗˆ being overly sensitive has served me well in many areas. 一朝被蛇咬,十年怕井绳 might not be a bad thing after all, cuz it has been guiding me to prioritise and spend time and effort on matters that truly, well, matter. 

I’ve decided to just follow God wholeheartedly from now on. He loves me so much that He willingly sacrificed His own Son to save me, yet I have been selfishly succumbing to my sinful human nature on a perennial basis. I’ve been too caught up with my own ugly feelings to do anything for my God. I am so sorry towards You, Lord. I really am. 

It’s kinda stupid that I’ve been torn apart by certain supposed ‘friendships’ that, in a few years’ time, will not be able to even prick me anymore. I’ve wasted so much of my youth on doing stupid and meaningless things when I could have contributed more to my loved ones and my community. 

A close friend once told me that I should just learn how to be independent and stop relying on others. Hearing that from him did hurt then, but now I’ve realized how powerful that piece of advice is. Indeed, I can’t depend on people around me forever. We all have our own lives to lead, so how can I always expect someone to be here with me to lead my life?

When my mum named me 宇薇 (oopsies finally revealed my name Edmond HAHA), she wanted me to be 宇宙里的一朵蔷薇. She said that she wanted me to be 宇宙里的小花,因为宇宙里的小花有坚强的生命力. I’ve never embraced my name so much until now. I’m kinda proud of myself and my resilience so far. The sheer power of just not giving up is immensely amazing and has made me last until now. now I have to continue to be resilient but without any support from anyone. 

it’s going to be tough. but I know I’m going to survive. I just know. ˆᴗˆ

what I’ve let go of

i realize I have let go of a lot of things that are really important to me, including family, church, music, health etc. I kinda wanna find them back eventually just that it’ll probably take a bit of time? idk

I guess that explains why I’ve been feeling rather incomplete nowadays. like I’m lacking. I’m not sure what I should do. but I must say that I am coping well (in fact better than expected) on a day to day basis bah. 

sometimes I just wish to have someone I can call my own. doesn’t have to be a romantic partner, but like a family member, pet or friend. but it’s just so hard for me to connect with others. 

I guess it’s the feeling of loneliness. 

suddenly feel like listening to avril lavigne’s ‘I’m with you’ cuz the song totally describes what I’m feeling right now. and it’s so cold tonight I keep shivering :(

what’s wrong with me seriously