I’m stupid, but it’s okay

my fav word recently must be ‘haish’. I notice that I say it at least 5 times a day or something. 

over the past few weeks I’ve learnt that I’m actually really stupid. I guess the whole ‘u are so clever’ thing kinda got to my head previously when ppl praised me. I never saw myself as a genius but I thought I wasn’t slow. but CS1101S has totally transformed this view lol. I find myself taking ages to write programs (although I do complete my missions in the end which is honestly God’s doings cuz until now I still can’t believe that I am completing my missions on time). even if i’ve read the textbook I can’t seem to efficiently apply the knowledge with regards to writing my programs. 

as a result, I’ve been neglecting my other mods quite a fair bit which shouldn’t be the case at all. CS1231 is really important but I’ve barely done anything for it. I think if I only took CS1101S for this semester it’s not like it will make much of a difference because I’ll just put in more time into it, and not like that will necessarily translate into better results lol. 

I keep telling myself that it’s going to get better as I gain more and more exposure in programming. but then everyone tells me that the mods are just going to get harder and harder and I’m like ok, good to know… idk if it’s the way I study or the way I think or just that I’m not suited to do computing lor. which is totally different from the common mindset that ppl who are good at math can program well hahaha. or maybe it’s just an illusion. maybe I’m not good at math. GCE MATH IS A LIEEEEE

bec of CS1101S I’ve been neglecting my social life and sacrificing sleep and meals which is pretty extreme. last night I was so stressed that the stress level kept increasing and increasing until a certain point when the stress suddenly just disappeared. like u keep pumping air into a balloon then suddenly it just bursts with a ‘pop’. I reflected on what kind of life I was leading and realised that it’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to stay up so late to do work and make my mum worry and neglect whatsapp messages. like a few nights ago I went to reply this friend whom I didn’t reply to for ages then found out that he developed a serious health problem while I was MIA-ing. then I felt like what was I doing not being there for him when he was facing all of that?? I felt selfish, irresponsible and heartless. and honestly I’ve been postponing my hair treatment for so long it’s a wonder that my hair hasn’t died yet. omgosh I also seriously need a facial ASAP. 

haish. I’ve been living without a life. 

for these 2 days I was thinking of whether I should switch to CS1010 but I have a weird feeling that CS1010 will be the same if not worse haha. at least the missions for CS1101S only have like a few questions. what if CS1010 assignment is like 10 over questions liddat? die liao lor. 

I also think the problem is not really about whether it’s CS1101S or CS1010. it’s about my affinity with programming. and currently I must say that there is barely anything there haha. I mean if I had all the time in the world I would probably love this module so much cuz I would have so much time to just read up, experiment with different programs, practise and practise and practise etc. but I don’t. rn this module is the toughest module for me. it’s like CS1101S is hell and MA1521 is not even heaven, but some random patch of grass with nothing else on it. (I know my analogy is super weird haha) it’s like MA1521 is doing differentiation now and revising so much of A level stuff that I have alr internalised since like secondary school. I’ve caught on so much to the momentum of CS1101S (or probably still trying to catch on) that MA1521 seems like some kiddy thing that I’m not even motivated to touch anymore. but that being said I like the MA1521 lecturer hehe. he’s quite funny. 

that being said I still think computing is really interesting lah. just that I probably have to eat my multivitamins more regularly now to make myself smarter and focus better haha. if u stupid just have to work harder lor. but I’ve decided to go back to my original lifestyle and sleep at 11pm and talk to ppl and care for my friends instead of staring at the computer screen all day and being an unqualified geek. cuz I wanna live a life that is worth living yeah. if I dun do well I guess it doesn’t matter, cuz I’m trying my best. and I know it’ll all be part of God’s plan. ok lah, CAP not good still can find job lah. just work for a film company lor, since I joining nuSTUDIOS. (I’m kidding but at the same time I’m also serious) 

trying not to fixate myself onto earthly desires, but focus on what’s eternal. what’s uni as compared to the kingdom of God. 

no matter how busy u make me, u can never stop me from doing QT!! NEVERRR

ps I’m trying out this new thing which is to study in school and rest at home. not study in school and study at home or rest in school and study at home. u get what I mean haha. which means I will stay in school until 9 plus every day and do intense non-stop mugging then come home at night and chill out. it’s probably not going to make me have more time to do my work but at least I can have a proper liveable lifestyle that I’m happy with ˆᴗˆ

ok now that I’m at home I shall go and 冲个凉 and 睡个觉! liveable lifestyle!! 

will update soon yeah

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what friendship

i always helped u whenever u were in need. today i just needed 3 min of ur time. but u refused to help me. u implied that i shouldn’t be asking u such simple questions, which honestly hurt my pride. u knew that i was desperate, but u left me to die.

i took around 20 min to get over that. which is considered a huge feat cuz usually when this kind of stuff happens i take a few hours to emo it out. but i hated those 20 minutes. it felt so awful. and i couldn’t do anything to get rid of the emotions i was feeling. i can’t believe i actually cried.

then i realized that perhaps u’ve never considered me as a true friend. i am probably just a companion who makes u feel less lonely. when u are doing well, u forget about me totally. but when u need help, u think of me immediately. i am the first one u go to for help.

i feel like i shouldn’t be getting upset over this cuz after all i owe it upon myself for being so available to u all the time. and always readily giving u help whenever u need it. i made u take me for granted. and i made u think that my feelings don’t matter.

but this part of my heart just aches at how our friendship turns out to be so shallow and superficial, although we have known each other for so many years. beneath the surface, there is nothing, just my utter disappointment.

u were the only one who could help me, and i counted on u. but u made me realize that i can’t trust u anymore. in the future, i will never come to u for anything. and i’ll never let u know how i feel now, bec i don’t want to try and change u. i wanna accept u for who u are, even if it means that u can no longer be trusted.

this week i met someone who tried to befriend me for a favour but i was unfortunately not of use to him so he stopped trying. it didn’t affect me much though. but it definitely crushed my hope in friendship even more.

i am much happier these days, but i’m deadened by the day.

visit by church peeps

feeling happy :)

church peeps just came for a visit and i was much calmer than expected ^^ maybe cuz my mum was basically tanking most of the work. idk HAHA. i feel like i have been expecting something like this for a long time. like one day i have to face the church peeps again. sometimes when i go out i kinda expect myself to suddenly meet some random person from church and overcome the awkwardness to have a proper convo with the person. i guess today was something like that.

i prayed very hard before the peeps came cuz i was very afraid of being judged for not going to church for 2 years. but the peeps were super nice and just told me to go back in a very nice way heehee ^^ i really might. lol. see how. cuz i dun think it’s very possible for me to have christian fellowship elsewhere, because of the nature of my Christian belief and how i interpret the gospel, which are highly specific and peculiar in a sense haha. i just dun see how i can connect spiritually enough with someone who doesn’t believe in predestination and the doctrine of eternal security lol. it might be perceived that all Christians can connect spiritually because of their shared commitment towards the gospel, but in actual fact this connection can be pretty superficial especially if some Christians have nothing beneath that blind faith in the gospel.

i feel like whatever i just said seems pretty controversial. but imo every self-proclaimed Christian should strive to (if they alr don’t) figure out a way to interpret the gospel for themselves, and make sense of their God-given life and what it really means. it’s difficult, but we should all try. after all, it’s human nature to be curious. i’m also still trying to figure out more and more about Christianity. i mean, there must be a reason why i haven’t been going to church for 2 years but my faith, at the moment, is stronger than ever before. sometimes, answers don’t just come to u. u need to seek them in everything u experience every single day. life can give us wisdom, but we need to reach out our hands to receive it.

i know i have talked about this song before, but i’ve finally understood it, after so long of just savouring the melody but not fully understanding the lyrics. i didn’t know why there is an answer that lies within each day. but now i know, and i truly believe and experience these four words every day of my life. to me, this song means standing firm in ur beliefs and being committed to them no matter what happens. keep walking. ur future will become brighter and one day u will reach the end of the tunnel.

i’m truly grateful. Your perfect plan is all i will ever want. thank You for Your holy Creation.

p.s. one of the teachers who came today totally has the jlimme aura. i can’t believe i never realised this before haha. like the way he talks and the way he looks and the way he acts etc OMGOSH.

hi jlimme today i met the 40-year-old u :)

working hard

A levels is like 10 times easier than uni haha. maybe it’s cuz I’m venturing into uncharted waters lol. everything is so new, except for maybe the first topic of MA1521 HAHA. maybe it’s also cuz I barely studied in JC and now I’m back as the mugger I was in lower sec. but I guess it feels kinda awesome. cuz I’m no longer lagging behind in tutorials like in JC LOL.

nowadays my life is mostly surrounding academics, running man and gatherings with the lovelies aka ‘shit stirrers’ lol. yes, that’s right, I went back to running man hehe. I rmb I stopped last time cuz I finished chasing after all the episodes and re-watching good episodes like Ep 91 (omgosh the Yoomes Bond Jail episode is still my ultimate fav episode ever heehee). then I was just waiting for new episodes to come out every week. then I got really bored. so I stopped totally. and never continued. until my bro’s gf talked to me about RM again and made me tempted to watch it (I just ended work and was waiting for uni to start so I didn’t have much to do. didn’t anticipate the uni workload oops :P). so now I watch RM almost every night I when I dry my hair which is a really awesome break from the daily mugging hehe. and it feels good to know that I’m nowhere near the end so I can just keep watching RM like that for a very very long time yay^^

ok I’ve reached home and I shall resume my mugging muahaha :D

CCA struggles

haven’t even joined a CCA but i’m alr struggling LOL. i can’t choose OMGOSH :(((

studying in central library now. i really love the environment here ^^ i’m going to come here very often from now on i think yay. there’s this guy sitting diagonally opposite me who seems to be sketching something for the past half hour. maybe he takes architecture heehee. i guess i like that students from different faculties come here to study :)

anyway the main purpose of this post is to share a new song i just heard on the radio heehee. the pronunciation isn’t great but i love the way she sang this song :)

stressed

now is almost the end of the first week of school but i have a lot of stuff to do alr LOL. a lot of admin work and surprisingly quite a fair bit of homework. I guess it’s also cuz I might be trying to do 23MCs worth of work. like maximise it. so this is just like 咎由自取 lol. 

but I guess I’m generally enjoying uni. I like the freedom that I get here and the peacefulness of being a Year 1 student HAHA. and u also like the discounts and freebies I get as an NUS student LOL. (typical Singaporean speaking haha) I’ve made friends too and I’m glad these happen to be the friends who relate well with me ˆᴗˆ

I think as for studies I’m becoming a mugger and really trying to seize every gap of time to study. like now I’m just going to go back home and mug haha. after attending like 30 min of alumni day LOL. the thing is cuz I also roughly know what I want to join after going for the student life fair ytd with 小白脸 haha. almost definitely NUStudios and maybe NUS Choir and the electronic lab thingum. 

it’s interesting that I’m not very willing to join any Christian groups in NUS. maybe cuz there are 3 major ones and I dunno which one to choose as well. and there’s this part of me that is reluctant to go back to the Christian social life. maybe I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fit in with the rest of the Christians as a very strong Presbyterian who believes in predestination and the doctrine of eternal security. cuz these 2 doctrines are commonly frowned upon by other Christian groups? or maybe I’m just afraid to get out of my comfort zone, idk.