for the family

maybe I should just be proud of my position in this house, even though it’s just ur mere punching bag. I guess although it hurts, u all are not entirely wrong to target me. after all, I have no love for this family and I’ve never done anything to deserve ur respect. 

so many times I think about escaping, but what will happen to the both of u when I’m gone? when u all are angry, u will have no one else to vent ur anger on. when u make her cry, she will have no one left to understand her. when u make a great philosophical discovery, u will have no one left to share ur wisdom, because obviously she won’t be interested at all. when I’m gone, u all will be alone. 

it hurts. so bad. perhaps cuz u all are my parents. whatever u all say is like a knife stabbing me over and over again. I am immobile under ur control. u all never ever put yourselves into my shoes. trying to make u all understand is like trying to mend this family again. it’s impossible. but maybe I can take all these. I should stay strong. I must always remember why I painfully chose to stay. for the sake of the both of u. as long as it helps, hit me as much as u want. I’ll be here. 

owning the uni life

this year has been the start of so many things. I’ve been receiving blessings after blessings after blessings. like nowadays I just feel like I’m living in a dream ˆᴗˆ all the past was super worth it man. watching my life unfold before me is like relishing a masterpiece. and nowadays I realise that everything seems to fall into place. 

I’m so thankful for everything. it’s been ages since I’ve had so much peace in my heart. I’m going to go all out to enjoy this right now. I’m not going to let myself regret again. I really hope that this lasts forever. even if it doesn’t, I’m alr contented. <3 

yay

just had CS1231 exam and I didn’t have time to do the last question oops. I just hope I get a substantial amount of marks for the rest of the questions. I spent quite a lot of time on this module.

sometimes things just unexpectedly happen and u dunno what to think of it but just to give thanks. like today I had my GES1029 project meeting and it felt like there was going to be a lot of things to be done before our consultation. but the meeting was so productive that we settled basically everything and dun have anything else to do for this week (apart from settling the trivial stuff like props etc). another thing happened (which I’m going to keep as a secret – pm me if u wanna know) and made me feel like wow. these are all God’s doings man. 

perhaps good things really come to those who wait. I’m ready.

I recognise this feeling. 

thought I have abandoned this feeling for good but nope. it’s totally back. the feeling when u wake up in the morning feeling terrible then u dun wanna eat ur breakfast but u eat it anyway then u go to the toilet and puke it out. the feeling when ur heart feels like it’s being wrenched over and over again by some inner force in ur body. 

the feeling that no matter how hard u try u just can’t remove this major burden in ur heart. the feeling when u can’t seem to find a reason to smile and just fake-smile everybody who tries to talk to u.

and most of all, the feeling where u know that u can only keep all of these within urself. u don’t know how to explain why u are feeling this way, and even if u do, how to explain all of these to the ppl u have been hiding ur secret from. 

but the feeling that this is all part of God’s perfect plan for u to empathise with someone who is currently facing the same situation. the feeling that u can use this feeling to at least bring someone a bit of comfort and warmth. and u can tell him that u know, and u care. the feeling that eventually this feeling is going to go away, and u will emerge as a better and stronger person. 

the feeling of hope. 

when will it ever be over

feel extremely worn out now. some things really cannot be unfelt. if only there was a way to stop feeling all these emotions. I’m hurting so bad.

I dun understand why we keep having to revisit the past. why can’t we just learn all the stuff we need to learn from it and move on?

it sucks even more when u know too much. the reality is to deceive. it’s times like these when I really just wanna end my life. 

but I don’t have the guts.

or maybe a part of me still hopes. 

but what can I do? 

can liddat one meh? 

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for very long but I’ve been hesitating cuz it’s quite personal I guess. but I’ve decided that some things deserve an explanation. 

over these 2 years I’ve been hurt again and again by countless friends. being a fatalist I tend to want to blame all of these on God. but I get that it’s all part of His perfect plan, so nvm. but I guess I just can’t understand why the more I try to be a good friend, the harsher the treatment I get. recently a good friend told me that he feels uncomfortable looking into my eyes and I think it was like the last straw. like what seriously. 

some of my friends know this, but I am declaring here that I’m often a loner in uni. I absolutely avoid making friends, especially with guys. cuz for some reason I was hurt more by guy friends during these 2 years. so I guess I have completely lost trust in them for the time being. a week ago a senior who talked to me before saw me and gave a super shocked look. then he actively pretended not to see me afterwards. and to play along I also pretended not to recognise him lol. when he finally succeeded (or failed) to avoid being recognised and left the place, I laughed to myself, thinking that it was so absurd. yes, we might not be close, but u dun need to escape until liddat right?? not coincidentally (I hope) the senior is a guy. 

I dunno whether this change of me becoming less social is good cuz it means that I’ve become really mugger. I have more time for acads cuz I spend less time on social stuff. but I also wonder like what’s the point? will I look back at my uni life in future and despair cuz I didn’t make many friends? but if I become more friendly, will I be inviting the wrong ppl into my life all over again? 

I look back at when I was in sec 1 and I realise that I am exactly the same person I was back then — passive, quiet and super shy. I look back at when I was in p1… I think I was worse haha. it was as if I were mute. I dun think I saw any problem being quiet and shy back then during those times. so then why am I questioning myself now? and is this person I am now actually the real me? 

I think to some extent it might be? actually is there any problem with this me then? should I be like 99% of my friends and become 100 times more social in uni as compared to in JC? (ok lah that was an exaggeration but u get my point)

there’s this theory about old souls which I can kinda relate to, although I dun really believe in it. it’s about how some ppl’s souls have lived for many lives so they are ‘old’ and these ppl think differently from others. they like to be alone cuz they feel that they cannot fit in well with same-aged friends. they have this strong desire to attain wisdom and knowledge. they are in tune with their psychic and healing powers. they understand life’s deeper lessons and strongly believe in love and forgiveness. they are very spiritually aware and feel like they come from a place that is not Earth. they have a rebellious nature but are not controlling of others. they are able to transcend materialism and are not afraid of death. 

I think the cannot fit in well with same-aged friends thing is so true of me. and I really like talking to ppl older than me cuz I get captivated listening to just what they say. I always feel very happy making a new friend who is older than me mentally and spiritually. immature actions tend to irritate me a lot. 

but that’s not to say that I hate my same-aged friends and friends younger than me lah. most of my good friends that I really trust are actually younger than me though. 

I know I might regret putting this out here, but I have been hallucinating recently. in my house. about family members calling me. idk what this means. Google says it’s psychosis or schizophrenia but I dun have the rest of the symptoms leh. it might be some mild anxiety thingum here maybe since I’m claustrophobic and I tend to worry and I’m a perfectionist etc. but I’ve always been like that eh. 

(I can’t believe I’m doing this)

(not that I’m ashamed of revealing that I’m hallucinating and/or have some serious emotional problem but I’m afraid of the consequences of anyone reading this post, especially someone close to me.)

but ya if it’s some anxiety issue then it’s more of a mental / psychological problem right? could it be the root cause of my antisocial-ness? but I feel very comfortable being who I am leh. just doing what I want. my emotions are usually very stable nowadays. 

recently a friend has left me again. and I don’t feel anything. I think I’m pretty numb alr. but wanna leave then just leave, can liddat one meh? 

I guess the inner me just wants to take a break from friendships in general. I’m healing, but it still hurts. 

yup. so sorry to the ppl who have been very nice and trying to make friends with me. now u know that it’s really not because of u. it’s my problem.