I’ve been wanting to blog about this for very long but I’ve been hesitating cuz it’s quite personal I guess. but I’ve decided that some things deserve an explanation.
over these 2 years I’ve been hurt again and again by countless friends. being a fatalist I tend to want to blame all of these on God. but I get that it’s all part of His perfect plan, so nvm. but I guess I just can’t understand why the more I try to be a good friend, the harsher the treatment I get. recently a good friend told me that he feels uncomfortable looking into my eyes and I think it was like the last straw. like what seriously.
some of my friends know this, but I am declaring here that I’m often a loner in uni. I absolutely avoid making friends, especially with guys. cuz for some reason I was hurt more by guy friends during these 2 years. so I guess I have completely lost trust in them for the time being. a week ago a senior who talked to me before saw me and gave a super shocked look. then he actively pretended not to see me afterwards. and to play along I also pretended not to recognise him lol. when he finally succeeded (or failed) to avoid being recognised and left the place, I laughed to myself, thinking that it was so absurd. yes, we might not be close, but u dun need to escape until liddat right?? not coincidentally (I hope) the senior is a guy.
I dunno whether this change of me becoming less social is good cuz it means that I’ve become really mugger. I have more time for acads cuz I spend less time on social stuff. but I also wonder like what’s the point? will I look back at my uni life in future and despair cuz I didn’t make many friends? but if I become more friendly, will I be inviting the wrong ppl into my life all over again?
I look back at when I was in sec 1 and I realise that I am exactly the same person I was back then — passive, quiet and super shy. I look back at when I was in p1… I think I was worse haha. it was as if I were mute. I dun think I saw any problem being quiet and shy back then during those times. so then why am I questioning myself now? and is this person I am now actually the real me?
I think to some extent it might be? actually is there any problem with this me then? should I be like 99% of my friends and become 100 times more social in uni as compared to in JC? (ok lah that was an exaggeration but u get my point)
there’s this theory about old souls which I can kinda relate to, although I dun really believe in it. it’s about how some ppl’s souls have lived for many lives so they are ‘old’ and these ppl think differently from others. they like to be alone cuz they feel that they cannot fit in well with same-aged friends. they have this strong desire to attain wisdom and knowledge. they are in tune with their psychic and healing powers. they understand life’s deeper lessons and strongly believe in love and forgiveness. they are very spiritually aware and feel like they come from a place that is not Earth. they have a rebellious nature but are not controlling of others. they are able to transcend materialism and are not afraid of death.
I think the cannot fit in well with same-aged friends thing is so true of me. and I really like talking to ppl older than me cuz I get captivated listening to just what they say. I always feel very happy making a new friend who is older than me mentally and spiritually. immature actions tend to irritate me a lot.
but that’s not to say that I hate my same-aged friends and friends younger than me lah. most of my good friends that I really trust are actually younger than me though.
I know I might regret putting this out here, but I have been hallucinating recently. in my house. about family members calling me. idk what this means. Google says it’s psychosis or schizophrenia but I dun have the rest of the symptoms leh. it might be some mild anxiety thingum here maybe since I’m claustrophobic and I tend to worry and I’m a perfectionist etc. but I’ve always been like that eh.
(I can’t believe I’m doing this)
(not that I’m ashamed of revealing that I’m hallucinating and/or have some serious emotional problem but I’m afraid of the consequences of anyone reading this post, especially someone close to me.)
but ya if it’s some anxiety issue then it’s more of a mental / psychological problem right? could it be the root cause of my antisocial-ness? but I feel very comfortable being who I am leh. just doing what I want. my emotions are usually very stable nowadays.
recently a friend has left me again. and I don’t feel anything. I think I’m pretty numb alr. but wanna leave then just leave, can liddat one meh?
I guess the inner me just wants to take a break from friendships in general. I’m healing, but it still hurts.
yup. so sorry to the ppl who have been very nice and trying to make friends with me. now u know that it’s really not because of u. it’s my problem.