i’m proud of myself. :)

it happened.

and i took 2 years to get over it.

it happened again.

and this time, i only took 4 days.

and within those 4 days unfortunately i had a finals paper which i, needless to say, screwed up. but i don’t regret taking those 4 days off, bec they certainly helped me to face my feelings head-on so i could fully overcome them. :)

actually i’m still really thankful for all that has happened. cuz it gave me a spiritual and emotional renewal. i realize that i’m no longer bound by the past. God has granted my wish and i’m moving on. :)

i’m really excited to see how God’s plans unfold cuz i have a feeling that from here He has planned something really awesome ^^

through this experience i realized that i’ve really become much, much stronger. praise the Lord. super amazed by what He has done :)

finally saying goodbye to this song haha.

i’m finally out of the past.

and nothing can tear me down, ever again.

i hate feeling so emo.

nowadays negative feelings scare me. maybe it’s cuz i’m terribly afraid of going back to who i was in the past. i was so miserable but yet obsessed with being miserable. i was sick and pathetic.

i hate the feeling of not being able to reach my fullest potential, to achieve what i really want. negative feelings just ruin my day and make me extremely unproductive. sometimes i wish i can just throw my feelings away, they are such a burden.

yet i know that God created me like this, so i should embrace who i am. i guess i’m just someone who feels negative emotions more than average people.

i used to always give myself a time limit. for example like telling myself that i only have 2 hours to emo before i move on with life. then i realize that makes me so utterly pathetic. so pathetic that i have to resort to that.

why do i have to be so perfectionist and not afford myself a bit of time to organize my thoughts and feelings? why can’t i give in to my negative feelings once in a while? after all, these feelings are human and they make me grow as a person.

i guess there’s that whole thing about how if you are a Christian u shouldn’t feel so negative cuz that basically means that u dun really entrust ur worries to God and u are worrying about things that are earthly and temporary.

it’s times like these when i just want my life to be peaceful and not be filled with so much drama. i wish i dun need to think so much about myself and my own problems, but can spend more time musing on greater things like philosophies and the truths of life.

but yet at the same time i feel that God likes to make me learn stuff through the hard way. and these problems are going to make me mature and become a better version of myself, once i overcome them.

i know i sound very confused but that’s exactly what i’m feeling right now. like i have voices in me talking one after another. it’s overwhelming.

i’m just glad that i always have my bestie around, and as usual i’m pouring out my worries to him. he’s a great listener and a super caring friend :’) thanks for being here, it means so much to me ^^

i realized something. just typing that line made me feel a lot better? :)

wow. THAT WAS AMAZING.

and that’s precisely what life is about. being grateful for everything that you have. not self-victimizing all the time but giving thanks to the people who are here with u through your darkest moments. actively seeking ways to help you cope with life (in this case, finding support from friends) while God’s will slowly does its work in you. understanding that no matter what happens, life is what you make out of it. you can choose to love it or hate it, so might as well love it. and make it work for you. i understand now.

God has His plan. His plan might tear you apart, but that’s because He gave you true friends to piece back the pieces. :)

i woke up.

so glad that i managed to figure out some stuff that have been bothering me for the past few days. it’s highly impt to keep an objective viewpoint when examining many things. it’s so easy to go off track and lose sight of what you initially wanted. i’m so glad i talked to my bestie about this cuz he made me realize that i have lost myself in this awesome dream and i need to find my way back to reality.

i guess that’s one bad thing about being a fatalist. you tend to study every single detail in your life and piece together events all the time to make sense of ur life. and u forget that actually at the current stage u are able to choose the path that u want to take. u really dun necessarily have to follow the pattern of history.

it’s so impt to stick to ur own goals, and never forget about where you are supposed to head towards. dun change urself for other ppl, it’s not worth it.

finally can put this aside and carry on with my life. yay :)

regarding PE

I really tried. my best. I tried all the past year papers, I went through the recitations and DGs, I studied the evaluator program. 

but ytd, I flunked. totally didn’t manage to do the array questions. for some reason the solution that I studied didn’t work today. maybe I remembered wrongly. I guess I freaked out. 

no point beating myself up over it, cuz it’s over. it’s just a learning point for me: do not try to spot topics. it’s ridiculous how PE didn’t test a single OOP / mutable data structures / evaluator question. half the paper could be completed using list processing and recursion which was learnt during the first half of the semester. the other half was totally array questions for which, like I said, I blanked out. 

received my GES1029 film project grade as well, and it wasn’t satisfactory. I guess I alr predicted that we wouldn’t do so well, but well it’s still a bit disappointing to get that grade. ok lah it was a B. not terrible, not excellent, just a B. 

I mean it’s interesting how in JC grades didn’t matter to me cuz I knew I just had to do well for A levels. and even if I didn’t I could still find a job and carry on with my life. but in uni it seems like grades are so impt now, cuz they affect CAP and CAP affects whether or not u get first class honours and so on. I feel like I’m slowly being sucked into this result-oriented system. 

I have to get out of it man. seriously. it’s ridiculous. I seriously hope that I can go back to the carefree girl who didn’t give a shit about her results. and focused on things that truly matter in life. 

my little bro. <3

ytd night veggie sent me his first song cover video. and as i watched it i felt like crying. i feel super duper mega ultra proud of him :’) while watching the video, i saw so much potential in him, it was overwhelming OMGOSH. if he continues to follow his passion for music i can literally see his future which is going to be super bright. :) veggie is so awesome ^^

it’s like the proudest i’ve ever felt for someone. ever. it’s the feeling that my little bro is growing up :) veggie has gone through so much and nowadays he’s really seriously thinking about his life and his passions :’) he’s discovered many things about himself and becoming more and more certain of his goals in life ^^ and i’m just so happy that i can walk with him as he slowly develops his potential and grows into the person he wants to be :) omgosh :’))))) a few months ago he shocked me with his “i might have cancer”… i was seriously mentally prepared to lose him alr :'( i’m so glad u have turned out to be ok :’)

now i seriously understand why my bro was so proud of me when i did well for my A levels and why my mum kept praising me when i managed to lug the treadmill up the stairs to my room. if u really dote on someone, u will feel soooo proud of the person for little steps he or she takes to achieve his dreams. it’s seriously awesome to have someone to dote on. and it’s more awesome to have veggie to dote on, bec veggie is the most genuine little bro u can ever have. and super adorbz <3 i don’t trust ppl a lot but i trust him so much :’)

one day veggie is going to grow up and achieve his veggie dreams. and find his little veggie soulmate. teehee. omgosh i seriously can’t wait for that to happen!!! always work towards who u want to be k. dream high. fishie will always be here supporting u <3 and thank u for everything :)

bloggy.

haven’t blogged in a while ps :P back from watching 我的少女时代 with Veg and Llama ˆᴗˆ we went on a thrilling secret mission to an unforgotten place before spontaneously deciding to go to JP to watch the movie LOL.

my thoughts about the movie. I think a lot of the stuff are pretty cliched. guy meets girl, they fall in love, something happens to the guy, he leaves the girl, the girl gets hurt, they never forget each other, they meet in the end, happy ending. ok but to be fair I guess this is the cycle that happens for many relationships. I guess as a mainstream movie, it did its job. and it managed to stir up the hype in people from both genders cuz it’s not as draggy and meaningless as other romance movies. every scene adds to the plot.

there was adequate development of the supporting characters. the movie was a feel-good kind of movie which would leave a lingering nice feeling in viewers after it ends. cinematography was good, music was on point. 小幸运 doesn’t impress me, but I get why people like it. the tune is extremely mainstream. (not necessarily in a bad way) actors were pretty good-looking, lead actresses were good and their character almost singlehandedly drove the comedy of the film. lead actors were really good-looking. ^^ (oops I think I said this alr haha)

in overall, I understand why ppl like the movie. bec the movie is multi-faceted and doesn’t just focus on the romance like average romance films. more emphasis is placed on how the plot is structured, the way shots were captured etc instead of just dialogue and acting. but personally I feel that amongst all the romance films I’ve watched (ok I admit I’ve watched a lot of these), this honestly doesn’t leave much of an impression (apart from the male actors hehe). I’ve watched better romantic movies from Hollywood. but that’s bec I’ve really watched A LOT of romance films (LOL), so my standards are higher?

finally continuing my post. the part u just read was written on Saturday LOL. brain fried from doing programming the whole day + project presentation in the afternoon (the hall at cinnamon college made me feel so claustrophobic omgosh). computing is really turning me into a mugger, no kidding. good lah, if not how to survive Singapore’s education system???

a bit scared for today’s practical exam. >< past year questions are kinda tough. and tedious haish. but well I have put in a lot of effort to prepare for PE this week so I just hope it will pay off. if not it’s ok, it’s all part of God’s plan anyway ˆᴗˆ

ending this post, but another post coming right up!!!!