nowadays negative feelings scare me. maybe it’s cuz i’m terribly afraid of going back to who i was in the past. i was so miserable but yet obsessed with being miserable. i was sick and pathetic.
i hate the feeling of not being able to reach my fullest potential, to achieve what i really want. negative feelings just ruin my day and make me extremely unproductive. sometimes i wish i can just throw my feelings away, they are such a burden.
yet i know that God created me like this, so i should embrace who i am. i guess i’m just someone who feels negative emotions more than average people.
i used to always give myself a time limit. for example like telling myself that i only have 2 hours to emo before i move on with life. then i realize that makes me so utterly pathetic. so pathetic that i have to resort to that.
why do i have to be so perfectionist and not afford myself a bit of time to organize my thoughts and feelings? why can’t i give in to my negative feelings once in a while? after all, these feelings are human and they make me grow as a person.
i guess there’s that whole thing about how if you are a Christian u shouldn’t feel so negative cuz that basically means that u dun really entrust ur worries to God and u are worrying about things that are earthly and temporary.
it’s times like these when i just want my life to be peaceful and not be filled with so much drama. i wish i dun need to think so much about myself and my own problems, but can spend more time musing on greater things like philosophies and the truths of life.
but yet at the same time i feel that God likes to make me learn stuff through the hard way. and these problems are going to make me mature and become a better version of myself, once i overcome them.
i know i sound very confused but that’s exactly what i’m feeling right now. like i have voices in me talking one after another. it’s overwhelming.
i’m just glad that i always have my bestie around, and as usual i’m pouring out my worries to him. he’s a great listener and a super caring friend :’) thanks for being here, it means so much to me ^^
i realized something. just typing that line made me feel a lot better? :)
wow. THAT WAS AMAZING.
and that’s precisely what life is about. being grateful for everything that you have. not self-victimizing all the time but giving thanks to the people who are here with u through your darkest moments. actively seeking ways to help you cope with life (in this case, finding support from friends) while God’s will slowly does its work in you. understanding that no matter what happens, life is what you make out of it. you can choose to love it or hate it, so might as well love it. and make it work for you. i understand now.
God has His plan. His plan might tear you apart, but that’s because He gave you true friends to piece back the pieces. :)