a bit sot right now

so many things are malfunctioning: my laptop touchpad, my phone’s touchscreen function and my brain. 

just went to visit veggie at NUH. then when he got discharged I intended to make my way to UTown. but I boarded A1. and I didn’t think that I couldn’t get to UTown with that. so I dropped at Opp UHC and boarded D2, intending to drop off at UTown but getting off at Museum instead. and now I’m walking to UTown from Museum, feeling so out-of-sorts. 

my recess week has been pretty eventful: directing workshop on mon and tue, slack day on wed, kiayee’s changemakers event on thurs and visiting veggie at NUH today. haven’t really done much for midterms prep but I’m able to fit my revision into the rest of my schedule so i’m pretty grateful for that ˆᴗˆ

massive fossil-missing spree recently. #pathetic #thisisstupid #whycantimoveonalready

neither a teenager nor an adult

being 20 is awkward. 

in uni i’m the youngest now, but amongst my batchies and juniors I’m considered one of the oldest. 

I’m no longer a teenager, yet I am not old enough to watch R21 movies and get a credit card. 

with friends, more adult topics come up (that ppl are less squirmish about yay) such as sex and reproductive health. but yet at the same time many of us are still searching for our true love. 

at 20, I’m constantly looking at the past, then the future, then the present, then the future, then the past, then… ok u get what I mean. 

this year, I am reconnecting with many ppl. yet at the same time the dynamics between me and these ppl could be vastly different from what I rmb from last time. 

it has become a well-known fact that I’m crazy in love with this random guy called fossil which I’m sure many of u are tired of hearing about LOL. so now is the decision of whether to wait for him or to move on and eliminate all the ‘what if’s. 

and there’s this other dilemma of migrating, or not migrating. I wanna migrate, but there are things holding me back, such as friendship and patriotism (and love?). 

but I guess awkwardness does make ppl grow, cuz it puts ppl out of their comfort zone. hopefully before 21, I can figure out what I want. in the meantime, I’ll continue to seek for the answers. ˆᴗˆ 

alone.

sometimes I wish someone can just take the effort to understand what I’m going through. 

it’s times like these when I feel so alone because there’s no one around to support me. whatever I’m struggling with in uni, no one actually understands. 

these few weeks, the pressure has been so intense that I broke down, and I’m crying as I’m typing this post. I am really trying my best? but why does it seem like no matter how hard I try, I still cannot reach the basic standard? 

it’s halfway into the semester, and everyone else in uni also has his or her own work to do. maybe I just feel like no one has any time for me. and obviously it does seem like I barely have enough time for myself either. 

what must I do to make myself be able to follow the pace of learning in uni? or is it destined that I’ll never be able to adapt to such a gruelling course? is it my fault? if so, what must I change to make myself get out of this mess? 

I love my friends, and I love caring for them. it’s a really selfish thought but sometimes I just wish I can find someone who could care for me as well? someone who puts in effort to give me support and show some understanding with regards to the academic rigour that I am currently struggling with. essentially, someone who comes over to help me. 

I need someone. 

let it B. 

there’s this constant dilemma of whether I should invest time in maintaining current friendships and gaining wisdom or devote more time to my studies. 

cuz this trend seems to happen quite often? like usually around this time each semester I start to skip class LOL. it’s not bec I am not interested in academics but I am catching up with other work, doing assignments / projects and all. 

and I’ve always asked myself why I need to skip class and other ppl don’t. does this mean that they are smarter than me? of course I’m also not that conscientious, for example I fell sick a while ago and since then it’s been a downhill trend for me HAHA. and I generally took CNY off to relax though I did study at night. 

so perhaps I should be more conscientious in the sense that I should study every day. but then what about my friends? and myself? does uni semester mean mugging all the way? do the teachers expect us to sleep late during the semester? what are the standards? 

but I guess I should give myself some credit for hanging on. I mean I honestly didn’t know that my uni course is hardcore. I thought it is just like other NUS courses LOL. 

I was talking to Jiahui ytd about this after lecture and she also told me to ‘get a life’. hahaha. which I probably should? cuz my main purpose in life is not to get As, but to be a channel of God’s love, and to praise and glorify Him. 

generally my close friends do know me as someone who likes to self-evaluate, but also gather opinions from others. so I told veggie to tell me my strengths and weaknesses cuz we haven’t played this ‘game’ in a long time teehee. 

and here’s what he said (for strengths): 

为人着想

懂得体谅

独立思想

细心

which made me realize. whatever he said is exactly who I want to be. and obviously I cannot be these things and continue to develop these qualities if I keep myself in studying mode all the time. 

the only weakness he can think of is 思想顽固(对事物有感情)which I totally agree cuz I give sentimental value to so many objects and places teehee. :P

academics. what are they when u are not living out the life u want, being the person u want to be? 

I’m going to continue to be myself and spend time with my loved ones. 

and of course I won’t stop trying my best for studies, but if things fall below standard, u know what? 

let’s just let it B. 

i still love you.

5 years have passed, nothing has changed.

but i’ve learnt to be independent without u.

so now when you are no longer around, i’m ok.

and honestly God did grant me my wish.

i got what i wanted, and couldn’t have asked for more.

u have been one of the greatest blessings in my life.

u left me, but u will always remain in my heart.

u are a part of my identity that i fully embrace.

u will always be loved.

and i’ll always want u back.

shitty week

this week was so tiring. I have been sick since last sat so as a result I’ve been really out-of-sorts. just can’t wait for tmr to come omgosh. I’m so tired of all this nonsense. 

the feeling of being unproductive is really terrible. no joke, I’ve been screwing up more than half the acad stuff for this week. but in this pragmatic and competitive environment who cares if u are sick? just ur luck. the world will still treat u the same. 

every part of my body tells me that I should be resting at home. but missing 1 day of lessons made me feel very kanchiong, so I’m here in school. but I’m regretting it so much :( 

how did I even manage to stand this last time :O 2 years ago my condition was like 5 times worse…