this sem

waiting for D2 at UTown so I thought I might as well do a reflection on this sem. this sem has been pretty eventful I guess. I met many new friends in school, reconnected with a few old friends and became closer to a few trusted buddies. I also learnt how to direct actors and joined the nuSTUDIOS EXCO. but I guess the best thing that happened is that I patched up with my parents ˆᴗˆ 
in the past I told myself that I would go overseas in the future in order to get away from my parents for good. when the chance came (going overseas for uni) I kinda decided not to take it up cuz I felt that getting away from my parents was the most immature and irresponsible reason to study overseas. so I stayed. and here I am, studying in NUS and still staying in this house I have lived in my whole life hahaha oh well.

I guess things are not as bad as I expected them to be cuz one day my mum suddenly changed her attitude towards me. as usual I thought that new change was only going to last for a few days before she reverted back to her old self. but so far it has lasted for a month or so? which is pretty cool I guess ˆᴗˆ I feel that someone must have talked to her about it and inspired her to change. she couldn’t have thought of it by herself. (haha do I think too lowly of her?)

studies are epicly screwed up except for my GE mods. what a joke HAHA. missed many lessons (including quizzes), didn’t hand in many assignments and didn’t even properly understand the whole syllabus before I went for finals. I feel like this sem a huge bout of depression just came towards the end of sem and I just kinda succumbed to it as usual. 

dunno why I got so many emotional / psychological problems. maybe my brain is chemically imbalanced. I mean I was doing quite ok this sem what. then suddenly like that. like BAM. #fallsflatonmyface

going to be quite busy during the vacation but I’ll take some time to do some soul-searching and self-evaluation to find a quick antidote for future bouts of depression. this cannot happen again man. my CAP has seriously taken enough damage. 

anyway something has been bugging me at the back of my mind so I’ll wanna use this platform for an overdue apology. 

hey Jiahui <3

I still rmb that day when u were complaining about having to come back to school on the week before reading week for geh1051 lecture cuz the lecturer needed the last lecture to finish covering the content for finals. I’m sorry for lashing out at u. I was feeling super stressed and felt irritated that u kept complaining about having to come to school on a free day (perhaps even a rather free week then) yet I had no choice but to go to school every day even until that week before reading week. and I had a lab quiz, an oral assessment and 2 assignments due on that last week. I was so stressed I let my emotions take control of me. I’m so sorry that I hurt ur feelings. I shouldn’t have done that no matter how stressed up I was.

(and ok lah, I actually also wanted u to come. cuz last lecture tgt eh! after that we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a very long time)

yeah. bout of depression. it just eats u up. a huge part of ur sanity is gone and u are just left with a lot of angst, helplessness, fear and anxiety. and for most ppl, self-pity as well. recently watched Inside Out (finally right. it’s actually really good.) and I guess the main message is how sadness is useful to us too. 

just ytd I was talking to bestie about how I seem to be very wary against ppl who admire me and/or shower me with praise. I guess occasionally kind words are fine but when things become excessive I start to hear alarm bells sound in my head. maybe it’s many past experiences of being hurt by ppl who used to treat me like this. or it’s my biggest fear growing up (that I feel like I am on the journey to conquer yay) which is to disappoint ppl who have high hopes of me. or maybe it’s really the Holy Spirit telling me that hey u shouldn’t trust these ppl too much. their intentions might not be pure. idk, but we discussed and our conclusion (rather, his opinion which I think makes much sense) was that it’s ok to be a bit wary of ppl cuz it protects me from harm. I guess just have to continue to learn how to discern between good ppl and bad ppl. and that itself, is indeed a lifelong skill. 

so yeah, perhaps being a little more pessimistic than other ppl does help in certain situations. 

anyway. happy uni stuff (this sem) ˆᴗˆ 

1. cs1020 practice + lab exercises (no kidding, coding just gives me some kind of exhilarating thrill that is far more fun than the other modules oops)

2. cs2100 lecture (getting super captivated by the beauty of computer organisation. many eureka moments with mabbu which got us super high and excited! we kept clapping our hands silently tgt in sheer amazement at how fascinating everything was. listening to lecture made me feel like I was absorbing so much ‘genius’ all at one shot! It was pure joy. HAHA #geekalert)

3. hanging around with my clan (this sem three other ppl got added to my clan. this bunch of ppl is so fun yet so down-to-earth. it’s a rare sight to see a group in SoC where there are twice as many girls as guys LOL. but I love it. I think we are pretty awesome ^^ just a bunch of really nice and open-minded ppl in general yay. can’t wait for orbital! it’s gonna be so fun to work on our projects tgt teehee)

I guess after this little evaluation of sem2 I must say that no matter what I’m pretty blessed this sem ˆᴗˆ I got really nice loyal friends, I get to work for my monthly expenses and keep the allowance my parents give me in the bank, I have learnt to stop caring about what other ppl think and just embrace my super eccentric and weird self, I have finally figured out what I wanna do for my future career, I’ve taken a leap forward in doing my part for the environment and I’ve learnt to treat myself so much better. ˆᴗˆ 

I feel like I say this all the time after every overall evaluation of my life but I seriously cannot ask for anything else. just being able to see more and more of God’s mercy and love mapped out in my life is such a wonderful thing. and being able to know more about His Creation day by day makes me so fulfilled and happy. I like how doing art and tech helps us to understand the world more and more through the lenses of a mini-creator of some form of simulation of the world, which really helps me appreciate how God created it. He’s really so amazing ˆᴗˆ 

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darker thoughts

recently i’m crying every day – new bout of depression.

ppl who do not understand be like:

  • not again zzz
  • wtf like that also can
  • she’s thinking too much again
  • ok i’ve given up on her

and ppl who understand, have left.

it’s ok cuz i do not expect anything from friends anymore. i shouldn’t anyway cuz love is selfless. but in recent months my blog stats have become more regular and i guess it’s cuz y’all are genuinely concerned about what’s going on in my life. so this post is an update.

i’m taking things slow bec i know my condition. #letgoandletGod

soul-searching

I actually did manage to post ‘soon’ hehe. did some soul-searching today. took some time off to reevaluate my life and my priorities and now I must say I’m more motivated and energised ˆᴗˆ

watched zootopia at suntec and as usual was super fascinated by almost everything I saw ^^ can’t wait for the day when I can actually be part of a computer-animated film production yay. 

walking home now along the usual path and feeling really calm and peaceful. praise the Lord as there is no fear in love <3 utterly grateful for His faithfulness. 

computer graphics ˆᴗˆ

finally figured out what I want to do with my life, though the funny thing is that I’ve always known what I wanted to do. 

thought I could drag all the way until year 2 sem 1 to finalise my specialisation but well, didn’t expect NOC interviews to come so early so I had to decide really soon.

what made me hesitant is cuz of the idea that I might not know what I really wanna do until I fully explore all the areas of com sci. and also cuz I realised that software engineering is really important to support many causes (e.g. Kia Yee’s AccessMap), so shouldn’t I be putting my skills to more practical use instead of focusing on the media side? 

but I guess I shouldn’t be doing something just because the society needs it. if that’s the case then I’ll never be satisfied cuz as I’m doing something I’ll realise society also needs something else and I’ll see if I can do that as well and end up spreading myself too thin. 

but then again if I were to take com graphics might as well do the double degree, which is extremely attractive to me cuz the modules seem super fun and multimedia modelling is precisely what I wanna learn (and be good at). 

given the (super average) results that I currently have I don’t think I have a high chance of getting in. also there’s this concern of whether I’ll even be able to cope, cuz since I’m alr struggling right now with just 1 degree, will I be doomed if I overload myself with 2? and what about my family, friends and health? what about God? 

Jiahui also let go of her second major cuz she didn’t want to sacrifice church (and friends etc) for studies. which is kinda what I feel I’m doing as well. I’m not going to apply for double degree not because I want to slack off. it’s because I want to spend time on things I truly prioritise more. aka people > studies

I’ve been having this idea (very few of y’all will know cuz I only tell Christians about this) which I feel protective of, so I dun think I’m going to share it in this space. but I think I’m really going to move towards that dream as my ultimate career goal in life. I wanna do something for the Christian community of Singapore ˆᴗˆ

now that I’ve figured out what I want I can finally move on ^^ #painsofbeinganoverthinker

will update soon!