waiting for D2 at UTown so I thought I might as well do a reflection on this sem. this sem has been pretty eventful I guess. I met many new friends in school, reconnected with a few old friends and became closer to a few trusted buddies. I also learnt how to direct actors and joined the nuSTUDIOS EXCO. but I guess the best thing that happened is that I patched up with my parents ˆᴗˆ
in the past I told myself that I would go overseas in the future in order to get away from my parents for good. when the chance came (going overseas for uni) I kinda decided not to take it up cuz I felt that getting away from my parents was the most immature and irresponsible reason to study overseas. so I stayed. and here I am, studying in NUS and still staying in this house I have lived in my whole life hahaha oh well.
I guess things are not as bad as I expected them to be cuz one day my mum suddenly changed her attitude towards me. as usual I thought that new change was only going to last for a few days before she reverted back to her old self. but so far it has lasted for a month or so? which is pretty cool I guess ˆᴗˆ I feel that someone must have talked to her about it and inspired her to change. she couldn’t have thought of it by herself. (haha do I think too lowly of her?)
studies are epicly screwed up except for my GE mods. what a joke HAHA. missed many lessons (including quizzes), didn’t hand in many assignments and didn’t even properly understand the whole syllabus before I went for finals. I feel like this sem a huge bout of depression just came towards the end of sem and I just kinda succumbed to it as usual.
dunno why I got so many emotional / psychological problems. maybe my brain is chemically imbalanced. I mean I was doing quite ok this sem what. then suddenly like that. like BAM. #fallsflatonmyface
going to be quite busy during the vacation but I’ll take some time to do some soul-searching and self-evaluation to find a quick antidote for future bouts of depression. this cannot happen again man. my CAP has seriously taken enough damage.
anyway something has been bugging me at the back of my mind so I’ll wanna use this platform for an overdue apology.
hey Jiahui <3
I still rmb that day when u were complaining about having to come back to school on the week before reading week for geh1051 lecture cuz the lecturer needed the last lecture to finish covering the content for finals. I’m sorry for lashing out at u. I was feeling super stressed and felt irritated that u kept complaining about having to come to school on a free day (perhaps even a rather free week then) yet I had no choice but to go to school every day even until that week before reading week. and I had a lab quiz, an oral assessment and 2 assignments due on that last week. I was so stressed I let my emotions take control of me. I’m so sorry that I hurt ur feelings. I shouldn’t have done that no matter how stressed up I was.
(and ok lah, I actually also wanted u to come. cuz last lecture tgt eh! after that we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a very long time)
yeah. bout of depression. it just eats u up. a huge part of ur sanity is gone and u are just left with a lot of angst, helplessness, fear and anxiety. and for most ppl, self-pity as well. recently watched Inside Out (finally right. it’s actually really good.) and I guess the main message is how sadness is useful to us too.
just ytd I was talking to bestie about how I seem to be very wary against ppl who admire me and/or shower me with praise. I guess occasionally kind words are fine but when things become excessive I start to hear alarm bells sound in my head. maybe it’s many past experiences of being hurt by ppl who used to treat me like this. or it’s my biggest fear growing up (that I feel like I am on the journey to conquer yay) which is to disappoint ppl who have high hopes of me. or maybe it’s really the Holy Spirit telling me that hey u shouldn’t trust these ppl too much. their intentions might not be pure. idk, but we discussed and our conclusion (rather, his opinion which I think makes much sense) was that it’s ok to be a bit wary of ppl cuz it protects me from harm. I guess just have to continue to learn how to discern between good ppl and bad ppl. and that itself, is indeed a lifelong skill.
so yeah, perhaps being a little more pessimistic than other ppl does help in certain situations.
anyway. happy uni stuff (this sem) ˆᴗˆ
1. cs1020 practice + lab exercises (no kidding, coding just gives me some kind of exhilarating thrill that is far more fun than the other modules oops)
2. cs2100 lecture (getting super captivated by the beauty of computer organisation. many eureka moments with mabbu which got us super high and excited! we kept clapping our hands silently tgt in sheer amazement at how fascinating everything was. listening to lecture made me feel like I was absorbing so much ‘genius’ all at one shot! It was pure joy. HAHA #geekalert)
3. hanging around with my clan (this sem three other ppl got added to my clan. this bunch of ppl is so fun yet so down-to-earth. it’s a rare sight to see a group in SoC where there are twice as many girls as guys LOL. but I love it. I think we are pretty awesome ^^ just a bunch of really nice and open-minded ppl in general yay. can’t wait for orbital! it’s gonna be so fun to work on our projects tgt teehee)
I guess after this little evaluation of sem2 I must say that no matter what I’m pretty blessed this sem ˆᴗˆ I got really nice loyal friends, I get to work for my monthly expenses and keep the allowance my parents give me in the bank, I have learnt to stop caring about what other ppl think and just embrace my super eccentric and weird self, I have finally figured out what I wanna do for my future career, I’ve taken a leap forward in doing my part for the environment and I’ve learnt to treat myself so much better. ˆᴗˆ
I feel like I say this all the time after every overall evaluation of my life but I seriously cannot ask for anything else. just being able to see more and more of God’s mercy and love mapped out in my life is such a wonderful thing. and being able to know more about His Creation day by day makes me so fulfilled and happy. I like how doing art and tech helps us to understand the world more and more through the lenses of a mini-creator of some form of simulation of the world, which really helps me appreciate how God created it. He’s really so amazing ˆᴗˆ