i lost my way. but it’s ok.

last week i suddenly had some CCA stuff to settle. as a result i did not manage to finish an assignment. things just started going downhill from there. the past few days i’ve been nua-ing at home although there is a whole shitload of work waiting for me to clear. as a result i failed to submit another assignment.

i recently ended tuition so my Sundays should be freer and i should be able to commit to my church-hopping thing more regularly. last few weeks have been crazy so i did not manage to visit any church. i hope that i can visit one this week.

i guess the only thing i can do about my studies right now is to suck it up and move on. try my best and stuff from now on. i wanted to study outside this recess week cuz it makes me like 500% more focused LOL. but my optometrist suggested for me to stay at home for 1 week and let my eye infection heal. so i suppose i’m just trying to be a good girl…?

HAHA what nonsense. i can always just wear my specs and go outside. i guess nowadays i’m so used to showing ppl my contact lenses look that i feel uneasy just going outside with specs and minimal makeup or no makeup at all. i have to overcome this man.

anyway see how bah. i’m considering being a researcher in the future but as of now my results are really mediocre. how can i even be qualified to take masters and PhD??? i wanted to work at Pixar last time but nowadays my confidence in my computer graphics abilities has dropped tremendously given that i just recently failed at completing a simple cs3241 OpenGL assignment.

but it’s my first time doing computer graphics, maybe i’m too hard to myself…?

we’ll see. if my results don’t improve i guess #itzliddat lor. maybe i’ll go become a teacher? work full time in a church? also not bad i guess. it’s not that important to follow our dreams right? must flexible 一点. if it turns out that i’m really shit then bo bian.

i haven’t been talking to my close friends cuz i’ve been seriously reevaluating my friendships. and it seems like all my close friends fall under the following categories:

  • never cares when i am upset
  • does not want to open up to me
  • is (was?) majorly disappointed by me
  • just cannot empathize with me
  • has conflicting values with me

am i being too ungrateful and picky? but why is it that i no longer want to open up to anyone? should i be expecting my friends to meet these standards???

seriously thinking of letting some of these friendships go. i’m no longer needed anyway, right? you all have other friends who can relate to y’all more and who do not evaluate y’all based on these stupid judgmental standards.

nonetheless i am eternally grateful for the memories.

speaking of which i have been thinking of fossil recently.

maybe that’s why i’ve been totally unfocused.

it just feels like he’s the only person in the world i would sacrifice my life for. i would do anything (ok, almost anything) just to be with him and support him in his life through all his ambitious endeavours. i don’t think he’ll be reading this… it’ll be weird if he does because he is not interested in me.

but well if u are doing so right now just stop because u are going to regret reading the rest of this. i promise you. you should seriously STOP.

idk what it is about you that is making me love you for 6 years straight. i’ve tried everything to forget you. you’ve changed my life, in horrible ways. but i do not regret falling in love with you, because you empower me. the fact that you occupy this part of my heart gives me courage to love, hope, dream and discover myself.

“thank you for my life” <3

of course i no longer trust you now. i also do not agree with many things that you are doing to hurt others and sabotage yourself. you have shown me a side of you that i have grown to abhor. you have also hurt me tremendously in your pursuit of your pride and ego.

but i thank you for opening up to me. i also never once doubted the fact that you are a precious child of God. i sincerely and completely believe in it. you are the creation of God that i appreciate the most because without you i wouldn’t have been able to experience so many beautiful emotions and create so many marvellous dreams. one day you will shine brightly like the gemstone you are. i just know it.

i guess it’s true that when you truly love someone, you love the person for who he is no matter how much he has screwed up.

(if fossil reads this i am so dead HAHAHA. but hey, you should agree that your morals have really been severely compromised. come on. whether it’s for pragmatism or whatever. what you are currently doing is not morally permissible. and you know it. )

i shall end the post here cuz it’s kinda late. hope to update soon :)

a feeling of self-abuse

it’s times like these when my heart feels tortured with self-blame. i just want to hit myself hard for not living up to my own expectations. 

but i know that i really tried my best today. shit happened and i dealt with it. i could have chosen to delay but my principles took over. 

i’m extremely stressed but i should just trust in God. i shall try to leave my regrets behind and start afresh. and i should stop abusing myself mentally. 

#letstryagain

happy. nahh

interesting because ytd i was drafting out a more negative post. but i decided not to continue it as there are probably more meaningful things i should be doing with my life. like posting a happy post! HAHA

i have previously mentioned (probably a few times) that i am less social nowadays. i can’t rmb whether i explained why but if i did, it’s probably along the lines of how i have trust issues, i’m afraid of getting hurt etc.

i used to think that i can live life with just the few close friends i have left. but recently i started to doubt that because of disappointment and perhaps just some incompatibility with current close friends. and if i migrate (high probability) i probably can’t sustain these friendships.

perhaps i am too passive with regards to making friends and maintaining them, simply because i dun wanna get hurt. and i might end up with no more person i can trust. and i then would only be able to trust myself. and God. hmmmm sounds appealing.

at this point u must be wondering #howonearthisthisahappypost

HAHAHA well at least i am contemplative now instead of angsty like ytd.

btw regarding the church hopping thing, i did not go to any church on Sunday because i suddenly got something important to do the night before and slept late LOL. and it meant i needed to make time for the rest of the my work. but then again this could have been avoided if i had a bit of time management hmmm. and turns out that it was really not conducive. seriously i think the whole Sabbath thing is ingrained in me. every time i try to do work on Sunday it just ends up being unconducive and all. except for Sunday nights.

anyway i’m definitely going to go this upcoming Sunday. at least this is a promise that i am making to myself now. :)

ok this post is really not becoming a happy post like i wanted it to be LOL.

hence i will end off with a happy video. or rather, a funny video that hopefully will make you happy (it makes me so happy HAHA it is so funny).

HAHA Penny’s reaction is hilarious