can’t stop thinking of you

to many, this is just a catchy phrase that ppl use for their valentine’s day gifts / romance song lyrics etc. as a student filmmaker, i would cringe (and probably reject) if my scriptwriter proposed this title for the production (well unless it is not a romance film e.g. horror / sci-fi). 

but i guess to someone who is in love like me, this phrase is extremely relatable. (just a disclaimer i’m not in a relationship, i’m just enjoying the experience of 单恋 – trust me, it’s not as torturous as it seems, at least not after 6 years). i find myself thinking of him randomly all the time. 

and the question that always pops up in my head is ‘how is he doing?’. lol. i’m definitely going to try to migrate to America regardless of Donald Trump being president. so given reality and dreams and the future there is absolutely no point thinking about him anymore. 

but imo this kind of feelings is quite hard to control? and personally i guess it’s kinda nice to be able to love someone so genuinely so long. makes me feel a sense of security and fulfilment in my heart. i kinda wanna have this feeling forever. <3

abandonment

u were the person i relied on the most. yet u left when i was in my deepest sorrows. now u are asking for my trust back. i hope u understand how difficult it is to trust u anymore. 

i wouldn’t deny the fact that u made me lose faith in friendship. and i’m trying my best to regain that faith again. i would admit that u leaving had a devastating impact on me. but that is not the point.

our friendship has long been over. there is absolutely no reason to reestablish the trust and whatever. we are now living our separate lives and trying to accomplish different things that God has planned for us. we are not going to cross paths anymore. 

that’s why my question is: why bother? i am trying to understand that u want a genuine friendship and that comfortable feeling that u felt with me. i have no idea how that feels like, but even if i try, i might not be able to provide u with that feeling anymore. 

i am different now. i am more independent, rational, cautious and protective of myself. i have learnt to love myself and make decisions to avoid getting hurt when it is not worth it. i’m sorry to say this, but it is really not worth to be hurt again. 

u don’t know who i am right now, and u dunno how much pain i can bring u. stop trying to relive the past and embrace the future. u are a courageous person, and u will go far in life. learn to trust and treasure the ppl who are active in ur life and care about u so much. 

i must admit that i am still healing. i still feel emotions very strongly and i often think of giving up when i face setbacks. i still have the capacity to feel unbearably upset. but i am working hard to fight back these negative thoughts and emotions. and i am not relying on anyone. it’s just me and God against the world. 

so find someone else, or something. i have become a different person, and so have u. make better decisions and seek the trust of someone who genuinely appreciates u. 

don’t settle for a stranger from the past. 

i screwed up

just committed the same mistake which haunted me for 5 years up till now.

i thought i learnt the hard way but maybe it’s just my nature.

idk how this experience will change my life but i know the previous time i did this i became depressed and suicidal.

it’s just so difficult to give praise to God when i know i have become a burden to others.

please don’t let this be an onset.