割爱

the memories of us flood my mind as i walk the exact route we walked so often. i didn’t really want to come here but i couldn’t pinpoint the reason why. 

but i guess God brought me back to this place again for a reason. and that is to face up to the feelings that i have been suppressing deep inside my heart. 

i continue to be reminded of u a lot wherever i go and whoever i meet. the feeling is kinda bittersweet – a very intoxicating feeling for some reason. 

i wish i knew better and stopped myself from hurting u. i was emotionally needy and only cared about my own happiness. there is nothing i can say now but sorry. i will always be indebted towards u. 

thank u for loving me when i was a complete mess, for making me such a huge priority when i only did everything for myself, and for seeing any sort of goodness in this broken soul of mine. 

i hope u are doing well. i miss u, but pls be free. and love someone who deserves it. 

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twenty-one

not intending to follow the custom to have a party cuz i’ve decided that i’m going to make my 21-year-old goal to be as fully independent as i can. 

and that means not giving myself too much to handle such that i have to depend on others. hence in this case, not making my friends plan a party for me. 

my goal over the past year was to be more available for my family. but turns out that i’m just as disposable as i initially felt i am. 

hence, i’m going to start taking public transport again. i’m also going to spend more time outside. since we only have 24 hours a day, might as well make every minute spent worthwhile. 

thinking of teaching tuition because i want to slowly stop depending on my parents for money. but idk if i’ll be too busy to do so since next sem i’m overloading with probably almost all core mods. 

ok lah i have quite a bit of savings and i dun expect myself to be spending a lot of money next sem. maybe i don’t need to earn more money now. since next sem will be the last sem i’m overloading anyway. i can always start teaching tuition after that. 

and i also might not continue to commit to nustudios… need to see how things go next sem. weigh the costs and benefits and stuff. 

i have come to this point of desperation when i will do anything i need to (within my moral boundaries) in order to get my work eligibility in America. 

i’m kinda paranoid about this Republican thing and worried about how far it’ll go, especially since now it’s Donald Trump, who seems kinda extreme. 

pathetic right, i’m discussing my future plans not with an actual friend / mentor but with myself here. but i guess that’s just what i have to do for now. 

some friends

i recently mentioned that there is a past good friend who is trying to earn my trust back after leaving me when i needed him most. we’ve both made the effort to commit to a whatsapp htht recently and i must admit i am slowly starting to let my guard down. it is really super tempting to open up to him again. 

but i guess i am also absolutely terrified of slowly increasing my dependence on him and risking getting hurt again.

just now in the shower i was just reflecting about 2016 and suddenly realized that i have been oblivious to something super important that has been happening. 

i have been completely blinded towards the fact that another ex-good friend of mine has also been trying to rebuild our special friendship that we had in the past.

i think i might have blogged about this before. rmb a few years ago i mentioned this soulmate person who is super similar to me, who rejected me as a close friend because i was too ‘piercing’ (probably cuz he felt exposed that i knew so much about him when in fact it’s just because we are extremely similar)?

he recently acknowledged me as one of his close friends and i was extremely perplexed. because we are no longer close??? and wasn’t he the one who left??? i’m not sure if this is true but perhaps he is signalling to me that he is ready for the close soulmate thing again? 

but no matter what is the case, i don’t think i will act upon my suspicions for this soulmate person because i guess i am also trying to avoid being too tied down to singapore. it’s really a dilemma of whether to reconnect with someone i know i’ll definitely grow emotionally attached to. i mean come on it’s a soulmate.

(can i just make a disclaimer that by soulmate i do not mean romantic partner. my definition of soulmate is just someone who is very similar to u, and u probably feel divinely connected to the person – especially if u believe in God and stuff)

(can i also make another disclaimer that i know that i have close guy friend problems but it’s just because i have some close friends who happen to be guys for some reason maybe someone can do some psychosocial analysis of me and tell me why i have more guy confidantes tyvm)

i have other friendship issues with other ppl but i’m just going to leave this post as it is because i’ve alr told those ppl how i feel and i do not want to keep hurting them by bringing the problems up again. 

let’s just say that currently i’m learning how to depend on myself and myself only. 

when to trust a friend

i have a friend who does not say much. let’s call him person A. 

recently i was hurt by someone i forced myself to trust. ok lah it’s not recent. for those who follow my blog regularly, you will probably know what happened. i think this incident haunted me so much that i started to doubt my friendship with A. it freaked me out that he knew so many things about me but i barely knew anything about him. because whenever i asked him a question about himself, he would give some very dismissive answer like ‘nothing much’ and ‘nothing interesting’. usually, i felt very disappointed with his answers but i tried my best to shake off the feeling and diverted the attention to myself instead. 

which explains why he is my confidante. whenever i have troubles, he’s the first person that i think about. which also explains why when i got hurt, I started to question his intentions as well. why was he being so nice to me and wanting to sit through all the nights hearing my troubles? precisely because he was so patient with my emotional whims (and even my depression stage), i started to wonder if he secretly hated me and only stuck around because of obligation.

i poured out my concern to another friend of mine who is very certain that A does not hate me, if not he would not bother staying and supporting me. i was not convinced at all because this is totally begging the question. and so if A secretly hates me for giving him so much emotional burden, i would not want to open up to him ever again because i would not trust him to stay when he has other priorities. a legit concern is when he gets attached, this platonic closeness between me and him would have to inevitably disappear. 

but i realize that during the few months i struggled with this dilemma of whether or not to stop trusting him, i was really stifled in terms of my emotions. there is this image which frequently pops up in my head, this image of me throwing something onto the ground violently. it pops up whenever something bad happens unexpectedly. i haven’t been able to release these emotions properly because no one else is suitable for me to share about these things. it scares me that i have become dependent on A. but at the same time it also shows me that i am extremely blessed to have someone i trust. 

it is scary for me to write all of these especially cuz i’m also going to share this post with him to show him how i truly feel. and idk what his reaction will be. i guess at the end of the day i am still choosing to confide into him regardless of the concerns. i should not sabotage a working friendship that is important to me just because i have just recently been hurt by someone and suddenly i am calling my friend a hypocrite. call it a gut feeling or irrational act, i have no idea. but at this very moment as i write this blog post, i have also chosen to confide into u on WhatsApp about my troubles. so i guess my heart has already made the decision. 

(pardon my terrible writing today. like i mentioned i’m writing this and messaging A at the same time)

is it worth it

i realize that i have really changed. i’ve changed into someone who is more selfish and will prioritise her interests over others. 

but then again ppl always tell me to care more about myself. and it’s not like i am always thinking about myself only. it’s when i do not feel that i’m needed. 

sometimes u make a sacrifice for ppl and u realize that it might not be worth it because they do not give a shit? it’s exactly what i’m feeling right now. 

i’m just going to care about myself this time round. i deserve it.