i’ve decided to be as honest as possible in this space. i will not care about whether my coworkers or future employers judge me because of what i reveal about myself. we all have our own struggles; mine are just the less relatable kind.
the truth is that i’m weak. i know it. i’m not going to put up a front and pretend everything is fine when they are not.
emotionally, i have become much stronger. but depression left me a huge pile of problems to settle. i neglected, pushed away, ignored and disappointed people. as a result, there weren’t many left.
but for those acquaintances i used to have, sometimes i still see them now. and i realize that i’m really unable to talk to them anymore.
at the start of uni i tried to acknowledge an ex-classmate. she could not recognise my face. when i told her who i was, she did not remember me either. reality hit me hard: i had lost touch with so many ppl. i literally gave up and just walked off. i think i even went to the toilet to cry.
i know this incident haunted me since. because i no longer try to reunite with people of the past.
i know there is this girl in my faculty from nanyang. we used to be acquaintances who would say hi whenever we saw each other etc. i think we made some small talk sometimes. but when uni started and she realized i was not acknowledging her, she felt puzzled and talked to a mutual friend about it. even when i got to know of her feelings, i still couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her again.
so now we are still basically strangers even though we already attended many computing classes together these 2 years. when we see each other, we just ignore.
and recently i met another old acquaintance at point & shoot. my reaction when i found out that he was a participant was just to sigh, and then pretend not to recognise him. even when he was registering, i did not dare to 相认 with him at all.
basically i treated him as an ordinary participant. and i thought he treated me as an ordinary stranger as well, because he didn’t seem to recognise me.
but when the participants came out again from LT14 after the theme was released, at some point i saw that he was looking in my direction intently. i don’t know if that means that he actually did recognise me, and was wondering why i was not acknowledging him. hopefully not, because he probably would have felt hurt.
to the people i’m currently ignoring:
i’m really very sorry. y’all definitely don’t deserve this kind of treatment from me. but i’m just extremely haunted by the past. as a result, i am really scared of going back. pls understand that i lost touch with y’all for so long and i don’t know patch everything up again. if u recognised me (or if u ever recognise me in the future) and wish to reconnect, please reach out to me. i’m sorry but i’ll need u to take the initiative. but if u do, i promise i’ll definitely respond. ˆᴗˆ
anyway to the participant: i enjoyed ur film. all the best and i hope u win ^^