the ability to feel

i am someone who feels emotions very strongly. however, emotions tend to lead to unproductiveness especially for my field. so emotions are something i generally try to avoid. as such, i try to avoid ppl and situations which make me feel bad about myself. but sometimes the braver side of me takes over and i set crazy problems for myself with the wishful thinking that i can overcome the major obstacles along the way.

maybe one of the reasons why i tend to feel shitty is because i am a perfectionist. i am actually idealistic by nature though a cultivated pragmatist. i guess i secretly want ppl to acknowledge me for being awesome. but the thing is right now i am not. at least when i was in sec 3 and 4 i was busy serving the church. at least in jc my grades were screwed up but i was dedicated towards my friends and cared for them so much. at least when i was working i could proudly say that a few little ones saw me as a legit ‘close friend’.

but now i’m nothing. i can’t program well, nor can i do math. i’m too noob at filmmaking. my relationship with my family is still shitty and i still make my parents worry sick about me. i generally do not acknowledge old acquaintances in school because i am still paranoid that they cannot recognise me. i don’t even text my friends as often. i do not love anyone as strongly anymore. i do not dedicate time developing any skill / interest. i also do not spend enough time on my studies. and i do not go to church anymore. 

the thing is i could have chosen an easier route. i could have taken an easier course that i was alr good at. i could have continued in choir. i could have just left Singapore to study overseas so i didn’t have to deal with my family and old acquaintances. i could have continued to be with the person who truly loved and cared about me. but i chose the harder path. the path which promises setbacks, failure, loneliness, low self-esteem, judgment from ppl, failure, segmentation faults, sexism, low job security… i mean i can go on forever.

so maybe i’m not that much of a wimp after all. i make stupid choices simply because i have dreams, and i want to achieve them. i choose the hard path because i trust my gut feelings and my inner voices. i guess i am much braver than i thought. and also perhaps more stupid, but so what? seems to work leh. 

recently i got the first script i ever wrote to be funded. i also got a legit internship to work on a local feature film. i managed to lead a software engineering team of computing students (all with at least 2 years more experience than me) to create a legit task manager application, with me ending up writing as much code as them. i managed to survive overloading myself with 6 core mods (including one level-4000) in 1 sem and cca sessions at an average of 2 sessions every week. 

although i am still far from my expectations of myself, i know i am getting there ˆᴗˆ i might be someone who feels strongly and i tend to hate myself for it, but i know my strong emotions tell me who i am and what i stand for. as such, my strong emotions guide me towards who i wanna be. they help me stop and re-evaluate my life, refine my goals and redirect myself to achieve them. ironically, without strong emotions, depression would probably have killed me. 

well. ˆᴗˆ

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