it ended?

i haven’t told this to many but i think i recently lost a super close friend.

i mean it’s really tempting to confide this into someone given all the crap i’ve had to go through these few months. to just tell someone that hey, amidst all the problems u see me struggling with, i am actually hurting inside coping with the loss of one of my closest friends. and i have been yearning to get some empathy from ppl. but maybe a part of me has still been trying to escape from the reality that this happened between us.

we had an argument about morals 1 or 2 months back. i didn’t think it was going to be disastrous but i guess it revealed our severe incompatibility as close friends. and perhaps it even confirmed my suspicion that you have just been trying to tolerate me all this while.

but it’s not wrong to defend our morals right? even if we do it in an assertive manner? i’m sorry if i made u feel hurt, but to me what is wrong is wrong and we should aim to avoid it. i also never ever want to compromise my morals with someone i’m supposed to wholeheartedly trust and confide into.

honestly speaking, i was quite alarmed and disappointed when i heard ur moral stand. i seriously didn’t expect u to think this way. i am usually quite open-minded about swearing, sick jokes and whatnot but there is a limit to how much i can take. maybe my standard is too high… but we can choose who we want to bring into our lives, right?

tbh i miss u a lot. and i wish u were still around to support me. i’ve met with so many obstacles in the past months and for so many times i just wanted u around again. i wanted to message u and confide into u. i wanted to meet u and cry it out. i wanted u to listen to me, empathise with me and tell me that u support me like how u do. apart from u, i had lost everyone else i could really talk to. and now… maybe i just unknowingly like to chase everyone out of my life.

but now i realize that it has probably just been me taking advantage of u the whole time. u never needed to depend on me because u could support urself. on the other hand, u had to make urself tell me stuff because u didn’t want me to feel insecure about our friendship. thinking back about it, it was really silly of me to think that we could overcome these problems eventually and be close friends forever.

pls do not give me a closure. i will not take it well. i do not need any explanation and whatnot. i do not want u to make urself please me by torturing urself showing me a side of u that i approve. i will stop being a burden. i am someone with morals and i go strictly by my morals. u should go find someone else who can appreciate u for who u truly are. we should stop trying.

perhaps i should never have depended on u. i guess this is really time for me to learn to become more independent, emotionally secure, mature, self-sufficient and whatnot. all on my own. i must admit, it’s hard to have no one here. but if i choose to be myself, i will have to go through this, by myself. 

there are some things i want to say but i can’t say in this space, because i don’t want ppl to figure out who u are. (it might be obvious but still) but u know how immensely grateful i am towards u. thank u for being one of my greatest friends in life, for guiding me out of the abyss and for giving me that precious companionship. i’m sorry things ended up this way, but i guess now u can finally be free.

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for survival

it’s difficult to convert feelings of despair into motivation, but i am trying. i received unfair treatment today, and the feelings are really, really intense. but for some reason i refused to speak up for myself although i was given the opportunity to. i could have pointed out the person who committed the mistake, but i did not. for some reason i thought that it was not socially acceptable for me to do so. i guess i made the decision because i was thinking of survival. 

idk, but i feel sometimes we just have to be blamed for mistakes we did not commit. it definitely hurts, but the hurt is temporary. and it will become nothing in the long run. instead, it will let me see ppl and view things more clearly, especially in this case. i have survived a lot, so this is honestly not much. idk why i am feeling so terrible right now, but this is really nothing as compared to what i’ve been through before. hence idk whether i should applaud and be proud of my old self, or lament the fact that i have become weaker as compared to who i was 3 years ago. 

it’s times like these when i feel so inclined to just hide in that shelter that my parents always yearn to provide for me. although i find them overly protective, i understand that my parents are just super concerned about me, that’s why they do the things they do. but i eventually have to learn to live life on my own, without my family. this is because i have dreams to accomplish, and they cannot accomplish these dreams for me. they will also definitely not be here with me forever. so. 

as for friends, well… i have really lost too many. today i was digging out my old messages and cards received from other ppl, and was really upset to realise that more than half of them have become strangers to me. as for the friends i have left… i’m really sorry to say this but i’m kinda not sure how they can support me anymore. maybe i’ve become so different from everyone else that they can no longer relate to me, and i can no longer trust them.

triple h

omgosh i super love this mv????? i know it’s seems quite screwed up and stuff but it’s so SICK man. actually E’Dawn and Hui are my favourite members from Pentagon. they are also super good friends ˆᴗˆ

i think this will become my favourite group for a while because it seems really awesome. all its members are just so talented and so EC-able haha. but E’Dawn tho. E’Dawn is truly amazing. like he’s really photogenic. and his facial expressions are just on point.

i dun think this MV necessarily promotes like bad stuff… i mean the main characters commit suicide in the end so i think this MV can be viewed in a way like yes u wanna take this kind of risks in life but u are driving urself to ur own death.

anyway one reason why i prefer to make children’s films in the future is because idw to be imparting screwed up moral values into young innocent minds. but then again i realize children’s stories are actually not as pure as we all expect hmmmm…

idk i just find this MV so nice to watch cuz of its cinematography and the acting and all. and the immoral acts kinda just make it more sophisticated? i thought Roll Deep MV was really bad.

although ppl are not pleased with the concept now, there are comments that claim ppl will eventually be ok with it cuz more and more companies will likely take on this concept. which is kinda sad in a way but.

omgosh they are so gorgeousssssss