for survival

it’s difficult to convert feelings of despair into motivation, but i am trying. i received unfair treatment today, and the feelings are really, really intense. but for some reason i refused to speak up for myself although i was given the opportunity to. i could have pointed out the person who committed the mistake, but i did not. for some reason i thought that it was not socially acceptable for me to do so. i guess i made the decision because i was thinking of survival. 

idk, but i feel sometimes we just have to be blamed for mistakes we did not commit. it definitely hurts, but the hurt is temporary. and it will become nothing in the long run. instead, it will let me see ppl and view things more clearly, especially in this case. i have survived a lot, so this is honestly not much. idk why i am feeling so terrible right now, but this is really nothing as compared to what i’ve been through before. hence idk whether i should applaud and be proud of my old self, or lament the fact that i have become weaker as compared to who i was 3 years ago. 

it’s times like these when i feel so inclined to just hide in that shelter that my parents always yearn to provide for me. although i find them overly protective, i understand that my parents are just super concerned about me, that’s why they do the things they do. but i eventually have to learn to live life on my own, without my family. this is because i have dreams to accomplish, and they cannot accomplish these dreams for me. they will also definitely not be here with me forever. so. 

as for friends, well… i have really lost too many. today i was digging out my old messages and cards received from other ppl, and was really upset to realise that more than half of them have become strangers to me. as for the friends i have left… i’m really sorry to say this but i’m kinda not sure how they can support me anymore. maybe i’ve become so different from everyone else that they can no longer relate to me, and i can no longer trust them.

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