it ended?

i haven’t told this to many but i think i recently lost a super close friend.

i mean it’s really tempting to confide this into someone given all the crap i’ve had to go through these few months. to just tell someone that hey, amidst all the problems u see me struggling with, i am actually hurting inside coping with the loss of one of my closest friends. and i have been yearning to get some empathy from ppl. but maybe a part of me has still been trying to escape from the reality that this happened between us.

we had an argument about morals 1 or 2 months back. i didn’t think it was going to be disastrous but i guess it revealed our severe incompatibility as close friends. and perhaps it even confirmed my suspicion that you have just been trying to tolerate me all this while.

but it’s not wrong to defend our morals right? even if we do it in an assertive manner? i’m sorry if i made u feel hurt, but to me what is wrong is wrong and we should aim to avoid it. i also never ever want to compromise my morals with someone i’m supposed to wholeheartedly trust and confide into.

honestly speaking, i was quite alarmed and disappointed when i heard ur moral stand. i seriously didn’t expect u to think this way. i am usually quite open-minded about swearing, sick jokes and whatnot but there is a limit to how much i can take. maybe my standard is too high… but we can choose who we want to bring into our lives, right?

tbh i miss u a lot. and i wish u were still around to support me. i’ve met with so many obstacles in the past months and for so many times i just wanted u around again. i wanted to message u and confide into u. i wanted to meet u and cry it out. i wanted u to listen to me, empathise with me and tell me that u support me like how u do. apart from u, i had lost everyone else i could really talk to. and now… maybe i just unknowingly like to chase everyone out of my life.

but now i realize that it has probably just been me taking advantage of u the whole time. u never needed to depend on me because u could support urself. on the other hand, u had to make urself tell me stuff because u didn’t want me to feel insecure about our friendship. thinking back about it, it was really silly of me to think that we could overcome these problems eventually and be close friends forever.

pls do not give me a closure. i will not take it well. i do not need any explanation and whatnot. i do not want u to make urself please me by torturing urself showing me a side of u that i approve. i will stop being a burden. i am someone with morals and i go strictly by my morals. u should go find someone else who can appreciate u for who u truly are. we should stop trying.

perhaps i should never have depended on u. i guess this is really time for me to learn to become more independent, emotionally secure, mature, self-sufficient and whatnot. all on my own. i must admit, it’s hard to have no one here. but if i choose to be myself, i will have to go through this, by myself. 

there are some things i want to say but i can’t say in this space, because i don’t want ppl to figure out who u are. (it might be obvious but still) but u know how immensely grateful i am towards u. thank u for being one of my greatest friends in life, for guiding me out of the abyss and for giving me that precious companionship. i’m sorry things ended up this way, but i guess now u can finally be free.

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