ugliness, unholiness

there’s this nagging desire in me to release some kind of pent-up anger / frustration. nowadays, i have the perpetual urge to destroy everything in my path. burn it, smash it or whatever. 

since getting trapped in the lift when i was 8 years old, i have been suffering from a mild claustrophobic condition. i generally avoid rooms with no windows. i don’t like parties. i secretly want to stay alone.

i have extremely high standards for my loved ones and none of them actually live up to the standards (at least, those that are left). yet i still get mad whenever they screw up. 

i do anything i can to prevent myself from getting hurt, even if it means rejecting genuine acts of kindness and friendship. i try not to mix around with ppl i don’t know unless i do not have a choice.

and i very readily discard ppl from my social circle if i find that i am not appreciated, or i am mixing with the wrong company (superficial, judgmental, immature etc.)

i shout at my parents whenever they vent on me because i believe under no circumstances is it my responsibility to be their punching bag. or anyone’s punching bag, for that matter.

i mean, i’ve always wanted to blog about these but i have been worried that it would tarnish the reputation of christians. and make me embrace these flaws.

but ya, i’ve always been extremely judgmental towards christians who spew vulgarities, gossip about others, don’t practise what they preach etc.

yet i am here having all these flaws and committing all these sins… what an ass

(sorry for the lack of updates, have been really busy and unmotivated recently)