nutcase gonecase

i do not owe u this

stop being a major busybody

this is none of ur business

i am my own person, he is his own person

he knows that he does not need this

learn from someone who actually respects my priorities

u don’t belong to my world

get out and get lost

i have had enough of this torment

i need my life back now

stupid social obligations

i am not required to listen

ppl who make use of me to fill their ego

ppl who basically just make use of me

i do not stay in their lives, i leave when i feel like leaving

go deal with whatever yourself

deal with yourself

i can leave and I WILL LEAVE

with those bloody keys

with your face. your precious little piece of face

i am not ur sandbag, i am not ur trophy

i am me and me alone without u

i will be utterly self-sufficient, independent

back off and get lost

get off my back, get out of my life

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$3.25

left in my bank account.

i’m horrendously broke from poor spending habits and a recent production.

it’s giving me much anxiety and worry i can’t even. i think 2018 is just going to be a year of budgeting and accounting and hopefully saving.

never experienced this much poor-ness in my life before… it’s totally going to change my lifestyle in 2018 man. what a motivated start to the new year

anyway just an update of the mods i’m taking this sem. i’ve finished my core mods so i’m left with science and UE mods. i’m taking the following: LSM1301 (general biology), MA2104 (multivariable calculus), ST2132 (mathematical statistics) and PC1432 (physics IIE). then for the last mod i’m taking CS3243 (introduction to artificial intelligence) which is apparently quite ok.

so ya… no level 4 mods this sem. i could have taken a level 5 machine learning mod but i didn’t wanna kill myself considering the fact that i also didn’t do as well in cs3244 (though much better than expected LOL).

today was my first day of school and it just so happens that all my classes are in science on tuesday. found the lectures today incredibly boring maybe because it was just course introductions and recaps of foundational knowledge. i was surprised to find myself feeling bored even in bio lol.

it’s 11 days to my 22nd bdae… dunno what to expect but i think it will be quite chill. just me doing schoolwork, maybe a meal with my family. i have no money to buy stuff from my wish list so hopefully they will ask me if i want anything for my bdae LOL. i can’t believe i have come to this predicament when i can’t even afford to shop for myself ><

i’m going to start my carousell sales proper and sell off stuff i don’t need and will probably never use. a good way to get some money back and also declutter my room i guess. i’m also going to try and post more on instagram if possible… highly suspect i haven’t posted for 1 whole year HAHA.

i don’t owe u

maybe i’m learning to love myself more

usually i will endure this kind of attitude and turn it into self-guilt

but today i’m just indignant

grow out of ur head man

don’t act like the whole world is supposed to bow down to u and call u king

grow up and learn to work with ppl who really want to help u

this is the life

my go-to song whenever it’s raining and i feel sentimental. or whenever i just wanna ground myself again. i know i have shared countless songs from this album but. u know. good things deserved to be shared more hahahaha.

in the heart of your most solemn barren night

when your souls turn inside out

have you questioned all the madness you invite

what your life is all about

some of us choose to live gracefully

some can get caught in the maze and lose their way home

this is the life we belong to

our gift divine

have you ever wished that you were someone else

traded places in your mind

it’s only a waste of your time

some of us choose to live gracefully

some can get caught in the maze and lose their way home

this is the life we belong to

our gift divine

feed the illusion you dream about

cast out the monsters inside

life begins with an empty slate

fragile left in the hands of fate

driven by love and crushed by hate

until the day the gift is gone and shadows remain

*beautiful guitar riff*

some of us choose to live gracefully

some can get caught in the maze and lose their way home

memories will fade

time races on

what will they say

after you’re gone

this is the life we belong to

our gift divine

our gift divine

(fun fact: i typed all those lyrics only by listening to the song… could have some minor errors)

dried eyes

family. a social construct. ok, practically everything is a social construct. but what is family even? some kind of support community forced upon us from young? a response to our biological inclinations to belong together?

why do ppl naturally desire for support from their family, and expect that their family will support them? what truth does the blood relation thing hold, that can justify our bold claims towards family and what it actually is, if it really is a thing? how can parents, especially mothers, claim to feel such strong bonds towards their children?

what happens then, if ppl don’t fit in, and the family then tries hard to change them? i mean, we all have different worldviews and personalities, right? and what’s with this family-making-decisions-together thing? what if we just have fundamentally different beliefs? why are we forced to compromise?

why on earth are we also expected to tolerate and forgive, when separation would clearly be better for us in the long term? how on earth has family become a crippling factor to our own freedom and happiness? supposedly family is always there for us, but we have to be there for ourselves first. right?

and why are so many people so deeply attached to their family, they worry all the time and even feel guilty for worrying? why can’t our actions and choices affect just us alone, and not cause emotional harm to our family? wouldn’t it make more sense to then choose family who trust us and will choose to walk beside us instead of try to drag us towards another path because of, their worry?

why is there this huge burden for children to obey their parents, and for parents to ensure their children do not make the wrong choices? what on earth, then, are the wrong choices, and by whose standards?

why do i feel so guilty for having these questions, then. am i trapped?

still

quick update, i’m still in love with the same person since 2011. it’s almost 7 years already lol.

don’t wish to say too much because i know y’all are all tired of me talking about fossil so yup just explaining that things are still the same and as a result i’m still unable to fall in love with anyone else.

the good thing is that i can focus more on myself because i prevent myself from getting into a rs. bad thing is that my parents will not be happy about me staying single for so long.

whatever. i don’t need a man.

i seriously have to stop worrying about how other ppl perceive me. yes, i’ve gone on dates but i’ve never been in a proper rs. yes, i’m not working hard enough to put myself out there. yes, i’m emotionally volatile and i would like someone who can care for me.

it’s my own choice and consequences that i have to face alone lor. i will be fine la. i’m almost 22 years old liao leh. i’ve already been through 1/3 of my life. 

#threecheersforsinglehood #godswillbedone

be alright

pretty obsessed with this AG song right now.

just had dinner with huimimn and tried Jolibee for the first time LOL. it’s not bad. needed to rant and also take a break from the mugging and stressing out. 

can’t wait for tmr to be over. i know i’m screwed for machine learning. i think i’ve practically given up on it lol. aiya i’m just so distracted by production stuff i really cannot focus. and plus recently i’m just not in the right mode to study.

i think meeting huimimn helped me to calm down. just now i felt like i was on the verge of breaking. i was overwhelmed with stress practically the whole day. 

some unpleasant things happened recently which made me upset. the day of presentation i was supposed to rehearse and practise my lines. but i kept crying every 5 minutes because i was deeply hurt by someone. now i’m over it because i have converted the hurt into a form of criticism for him? lol

there’s a bit of a deja vu feeling… i rmb in JC i was so caught up with choir stuff that i neglected my studies. nowadays i’m so caught up with film stuff that i’m also neglecting my studies lol. i think it’s possible to balance one. but i subconsciously try to avoid studying.

rethinking taking masters in the future. i don’t think i’ll even get into a good school, given my CAP??? it’s very sian but i guess i should embrace my past and just move on. look towards the future, blah blah blah.

what a terrible state i’m in right now