symptoms of severe depression

i know i mia-ed. i’m sorry. but i’m back. if you genuinely care about me, read on further but prep yourself for a really long (and depressing) post. but if you don’t and you’re just here to check me out, prepare to be horrified and tragically disappointed.

it’s 10.48pm. my machine learning assignment is due at 2359. 10% of the total grade. but I spent the past 1 hour completing depression tests online. idk, I just feel that facing my mental issues is much more pertinent than copying a friend’s assignment (i mean i have 1 hour left, and it’s machine learning). and so i can get 10% of my module marks which i totally and completely do not deserve. stupid right, got answer don’t want to copy.

anw i was right about my condition, because literally every single test told me that I am suffering from severe depression. much congratulations to myself.

I know I will probably regret declaring this depression thing here. cuz obviously there are ppl I will want to hide this from. like my project group mates, my family, and idk… future employers? what if after this i don’t get an internship. maybe i’ll just not graduate and just leave school and start work. but what work?

anyway i digressed. i usually try not to talk about my mental state here because I just feel like ppl won’t treat me seriously if they know that I am mentally weak, and can’t do simple stuff because i feel crippled. i mean who would want to hire someone like that? or work with someone like that? or follow a leader like that? questions. doubts.

but i guess I’ve kinda run out of ways to make myself feel better so i’m sharing my deepest thoughts in this space, hoping that this will help me declutter my mind and make sense of what i’m going through right now. i’m typing all these while listening to sad korean songs. hmmm. lemme just share one with y’all now.

of course I’ve shared this song before on my blog. after all, it’s not the first time i’m depressed.

i know in sec 3 i fell in love + started to rebel so i kinda opened up that Pandora’s box of feelings and hormones and stress and emotions and expectations. things just kinda earthquaked. it was such a blur, but yet such a painful time to remember.

idk what happened recently tho. one day in school i just suddenly felt very very crippled. like i was suddenly trapped in a jail cell, unable to get out. i couldn’t do anything anymore and i had no ability to do anything even if i wanted to. i freaked out because there was so much dejavu. i knew i was going back to the past.

i started to panic. i tried to call a friend, i tried to play iPad games to distract myself, i tried to clean my room, i tried to talk more to my family, i tried…

my theory is that it’s just me. me and my mind. funny, when I was young I barely had any emotions. my emotional intelligence was so low, I didn’t even realize I was being bullied in primary school. I think i felt sad but couldn’t really pinpoint my real feelings. i only knew that something didn’t feel right.

but recently i have the dejavu feeling, the feeling that everything is coming back again. i absolutely dread that but i feel like i have no control over my emotions anymore… but this time round i don’t feel like confiding into anyone (unlike last time when i gave myself so many text buddies to rant to).

maybe i just feel like they no longer care / ppl just don’t understand and will never be able to understand.

but if this is really just me and who i will always be, then it’s scary because. i won’t be able to work with anyone anymore as the risk of me falling back into the abyss is too high. idk when it will happen, and idk which inciting incident will make me retreat back into my misery. anyway i think would also rather be alone and sad than to be a burden and cause disappointment to ppl.

maybe ppl like me just don’t belong in the system, where everything is result-oriented, fast-paced and so on. there isn’t really time for a break? and everyone just have so many expectations of me. (on that note, stop mistaking me for a top student because i am most definitely NOT one so pls stop) actually i wish i can just live on a mountain by myself.

i guess nowadays i still think of suicide sometimes? the thought of just rushing out on to the road and having myself getting knocked down by a car keeps flashing in my head. it’s kinda tempting to try it but the success rate is really low so i’m probably never going to do it unless i get drugged / drunk. ok and i also dun wanna go to hell lah.

some of you reading this are probably taking out your phones right now to text me and ask me what’s going on, how i am blahblahblah. pls pardon me if i don’t really want to answer / don’t feel keen to share… it’s just a combination of a lost faith in humanity and much disillusionment towards the idea of friendship etc.

haha what a hopeless freak i am.

(ok i am legitly so scared to post this but. whatever)

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that tearful me

unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy.

every single hour of every day i keep thinking of how life would be like if i quit school and went to live isolatedly.

on top of a mountain, in a small rental apartment in US or just a tiny HDB.

just separated from everyone else. 

i can’t find the word to describe my emotional state right now. i know there is a word but i can’t think of it. i just feel terrible. i also feel incredibly lonely and misunderstood. 

i know it’s selfish to expect ppl to want to listen to me rant but i just feel very needy at the moment. 

i really don’t want to accept the fact that i might be going back to who i was in the past. i really want to feel happy?????

school is supposed to be awesome but i’m just so stressed out by the workload. i’m not even overloading this sem. but i feel i’m taking very difficult mods. especially machine learning. and i’m leading a software engineering project. and other stuff.

please pray for me. idk what’s happening to me but i feel myself crumbling. 

weak.

feeling very demoralized right now having experienced many setbacks recently.

and i simply have no time to make myself feel better again…

i’m slowly drifting apart from my confidantes. it seems like too many things have changed.

in the past i had so many ppl i could call. now. idk. maybe only 1 or 2 options. and they are offline now.

i think i need a break but i definitely don’t deserve one. i suppose i have made too many mistakes recently.

idk what i’m typing, it’s been so long since i last blogged. idk what i want to feel from typing all these.

ugliness, unholiness

there’s this nagging desire in me to release some kind of pent-up anger / frustration. nowadays, i have the perpetual urge to destroy everything in my path. burn it, smash it or whatever. 

since getting trapped in the lift when i was 8 years old, i have been suffering from a mild claustrophobic condition. i generally avoid rooms with no windows. i don’t like parties. i secretly want to stay alone.

i have extremely high standards for my loved ones and none of them actually live up to the standards (at least, those that are left). yet i still get mad whenever they screw up. 

i do anything i can to prevent myself from getting hurt, even if it means rejecting genuine acts of kindness and friendship. i try not to mix around with ppl i don’t know unless i do not have a choice.

and i very readily discard ppl from my social circle if i find that i am not appreciated, or i am mixing with the wrong company (superficial, judgmental, immature etc.)

i shout at my parents whenever they vent on me because i believe under no circumstances is it my responsibility to be their punching bag. or anyone’s punching bag, for that matter.

i mean, i’ve always wanted to blog about these but i have been worried that it would tarnish the reputation of christians. and make me embrace these flaws.

but ya, i’ve always been extremely judgmental towards christians who spew vulgarities, gossip about others, don’t practise what they preach etc.

yet i am here having all these flaws and committing all these sins… what an ass

(sorry for the lack of updates, have been really busy and unmotivated recently)

it ended?

i haven’t told this to many but i think i recently lost a super close friend.

i mean it’s really tempting to confide this into someone given all the crap i’ve had to go through these few months. to just tell someone that hey, amidst all the problems u see me struggling with, i am actually hurting inside coping with the loss of one of my closest friends. and i have been yearning to get some empathy from ppl. but maybe a part of me has still been trying to escape from the reality that this happened between us.

we had an argument about morals 1 or 2 months back. i didn’t think it was going to be disastrous but i guess it revealed our severe incompatibility as close friends. and perhaps it even confirmed my suspicion that you have just been trying to tolerate me all this while.

but it’s not wrong to defend our morals right? even if we do it in an assertive manner? i’m sorry if i made u feel hurt, but to me what is wrong is wrong and we should aim to avoid it. i also never ever want to compromise my morals with someone i’m supposed to wholeheartedly trust and confide into.

honestly speaking, i was quite alarmed and disappointed when i heard ur moral stand. i seriously didn’t expect u to think this way. i am usually quite open-minded about swearing, sick jokes and whatnot but there is a limit to how much i can take. maybe my standard is too high… but we can choose who we want to bring into our lives, right?

tbh i miss u a lot. and i wish u were still around to support me. i’ve met with so many obstacles in the past months and for so many times i just wanted u around again. i wanted to message u and confide into u. i wanted to meet u and cry it out. i wanted u to listen to me, empathise with me and tell me that u support me like how u do. apart from u, i had lost everyone else i could really talk to. and now… maybe i just unknowingly like to chase everyone out of my life.

but now i realize that it has probably just been me taking advantage of u the whole time. u never needed to depend on me because u could support urself. on the other hand, u had to make urself tell me stuff because u didn’t want me to feel insecure about our friendship. thinking back about it, it was really silly of me to think that we could overcome these problems eventually and be close friends forever.

pls do not give me a closure. i will not take it well. i do not need any explanation and whatnot. i do not want u to make urself please me by torturing urself showing me a side of u that i approve. i will stop being a burden. i am someone with morals and i go strictly by my morals. u should go find someone else who can appreciate u for who u truly are. we should stop trying.

perhaps i should never have depended on u. i guess this is really time for me to learn to become more independent, emotionally secure, mature, self-sufficient and whatnot. all on my own. i must admit, it’s hard to have no one here. but if i choose to be myself, i will have to go through this, by myself. 

there are some things i want to say but i can’t say in this space, because i don’t want ppl to figure out who u are. (it might be obvious but still) but u know how immensely grateful i am towards u. thank u for being one of my greatest friends in life, for guiding me out of the abyss and for giving me that precious companionship. i’m sorry things ended up this way, but i guess now u can finally be free.

for survival

it’s difficult to convert feelings of despair into motivation, but i am trying. i received unfair treatment today, and the feelings are really, really intense. but for some reason i refused to speak up for myself although i was given the opportunity to. i could have pointed out the person who committed the mistake, but i did not. for some reason i thought that it was not socially acceptable for me to do so. i guess i made the decision because i was thinking of survival. 

idk, but i feel sometimes we just have to be blamed for mistakes we did not commit. it definitely hurts, but the hurt is temporary. and it will become nothing in the long run. instead, it will let me see ppl and view things more clearly, especially in this case. i have survived a lot, so this is honestly not much. idk why i am feeling so terrible right now, but this is really nothing as compared to what i’ve been through before. hence idk whether i should applaud and be proud of my old self, or lament the fact that i have become weaker as compared to who i was 3 years ago. 

it’s times like these when i feel so inclined to just hide in that shelter that my parents always yearn to provide for me. although i find them overly protective, i understand that my parents are just super concerned about me, that’s why they do the things they do. but i eventually have to learn to live life on my own, without my family. this is because i have dreams to accomplish, and they cannot accomplish these dreams for me. they will also definitely not be here with me forever. so. 

as for friends, well… i have really lost too many. today i was digging out my old messages and cards received from other ppl, and was really upset to realise that more than half of them have become strangers to me. as for the friends i have left… i’m really sorry to say this but i’m kinda not sure how they can support me anymore. maybe i’ve become so different from everyone else that they can no longer relate to me, and i can no longer trust them.