ugliness, unholiness

there’s this nagging desire in me to release some kind of pent-up anger / frustration. nowadays, i have the perpetual urge to destroy everything in my path. burn it, smash it or whatever. 

since getting trapped in the lift when i was 8 years old, i have been suffering from a mild claustrophobic condition. i generally avoid rooms with no windows. i don’t like parties. i secretly want to stay alone.

i have extremely high standards for my loved ones and none of them actually live up to the standards (at least, those that are left). yet i still get mad whenever they screw up. 

i do anything i can to prevent myself from getting hurt, even if it means rejecting genuine acts of kindness and friendship. i try not to mix around with ppl i don’t know unless i do not have a choice.

and i very readily discard ppl from my social circle if i find that i am not appreciated, or i am mixing with the wrong company (superficial, judgmental, immature etc.)

i shout at my parents whenever they vent on me because i believe under no circumstances is it my responsibility to be their punching bag. or anyone’s punching bag, for that matter.

i mean, i’ve always wanted to blog about these but i have been worried that it would tarnish the reputation of christians. and make me embrace these flaws.

but ya, i’ve always been extremely judgmental towards christians who spew vulgarities, gossip about others, don’t practise what they preach etc.

yet i am here having all these flaws and committing all these sins… what an ass

(sorry for the lack of updates, have been really busy and unmotivated recently)

it ended?

i haven’t told this to many but i think i recently lost a super close friend.

i mean it’s really tempting to confide this into someone given all the crap i’ve had to go through these few months. to just tell someone that hey, amidst all the problems u see me struggling with, i am actually hurting inside coping with the loss of one of my closest friends. and i have been yearning to get some empathy from ppl. but maybe a part of me has still been trying to escape from the reality that this happened between us.

we had an argument about morals 1 or 2 months back. i didn’t think it was going to be disastrous but i guess it revealed our severe incompatibility as close friends. and perhaps it even confirmed my suspicion that you have just been trying to tolerate me all this while.

but it’s not wrong to defend our morals right? even if we do it in an assertive manner? i’m sorry if i made u feel hurt, but to me what is wrong is wrong and we should aim to avoid it. i also never ever want to compromise my morals with someone i’m supposed to wholeheartedly trust and confide into.

honestly speaking, i was quite alarmed and disappointed when i heard ur moral stand. i seriously didn’t expect u to think this way. i am usually quite open-minded about swearing, sick jokes and whatnot but there is a limit to how much i can take. maybe my standard is too high… but we can choose who we want to bring into our lives, right?

tbh i miss u a lot. and i wish u were still around to support me. i’ve met with so many obstacles in the past months and for so many times i just wanted u around again. i wanted to message u and confide into u. i wanted to meet u and cry it out. i wanted u to listen to me, empathise with me and tell me that u support me like how u do. apart from u, i had lost everyone else i could really talk to. and now… maybe i just unknowingly like to chase everyone out of my life.

but now i realize that it has probably just been me taking advantage of u the whole time. u never needed to depend on me because u could support urself. on the other hand, u had to make urself tell me stuff because u didn’t want me to feel insecure about our friendship. thinking back about it, it was really silly of me to think that we could overcome these problems eventually and be close friends forever.

pls do not give me a closure. i will not take it well. i do not need any explanation and whatnot. i do not want u to make urself please me by torturing urself showing me a side of u that i approve. i will stop being a burden. i am someone with morals and i go strictly by my morals. u should go find someone else who can appreciate u for who u truly are. we should stop trying.

perhaps i should never have depended on u. i guess this is really time for me to learn to become more independent, emotionally secure, mature, self-sufficient and whatnot. all on my own. i must admit, it’s hard to have no one here. but if i choose to be myself, i will have to go through this, by myself. 

there are some things i want to say but i can’t say in this space, because i don’t want ppl to figure out who u are. (it might be obvious but still) but u know how immensely grateful i am towards u. thank u for being one of my greatest friends in life, for guiding me out of the abyss and for giving me that precious companionship. i’m sorry things ended up this way, but i guess now u can finally be free.

for survival

it’s difficult to convert feelings of despair into motivation, but i am trying. i received unfair treatment today, and the feelings are really, really intense. but for some reason i refused to speak up for myself although i was given the opportunity to. i could have pointed out the person who committed the mistake, but i did not. for some reason i thought that it was not socially acceptable for me to do so. i guess i made the decision because i was thinking of survival. 

idk, but i feel sometimes we just have to be blamed for mistakes we did not commit. it definitely hurts, but the hurt is temporary. and it will become nothing in the long run. instead, it will let me see ppl and view things more clearly, especially in this case. i have survived a lot, so this is honestly not much. idk why i am feeling so terrible right now, but this is really nothing as compared to what i’ve been through before. hence idk whether i should applaud and be proud of my old self, or lament the fact that i have become weaker as compared to who i was 3 years ago. 

it’s times like these when i feel so inclined to just hide in that shelter that my parents always yearn to provide for me. although i find them overly protective, i understand that my parents are just super concerned about me, that’s why they do the things they do. but i eventually have to learn to live life on my own, without my family. this is because i have dreams to accomplish, and they cannot accomplish these dreams for me. they will also definitely not be here with me forever. so. 

as for friends, well… i have really lost too many. today i was digging out my old messages and cards received from other ppl, and was really upset to realise that more than half of them have become strangers to me. as for the friends i have left… i’m really sorry to say this but i’m kinda not sure how they can support me anymore. maybe i’ve become so different from everyone else that they can no longer relate to me, and i can no longer trust them.

triple h

omgosh i super love this mv????? i know it’s seems quite screwed up and stuff but it’s so SICK man. actually E’Dawn and Hui are my favourite members from Pentagon. they are also super good friends ˆᴗˆ

i think this will become my favourite group for a while because it seems really awesome. all its members are just so talented and so EC-able haha. but E’Dawn tho. E’Dawn is truly amazing. like he’s really photogenic. and his facial expressions are just on point.

i dun think this MV necessarily promotes like bad stuff… i mean the main characters commit suicide in the end so i think this MV can be viewed in a way like yes u wanna take this kind of risks in life but u are driving urself to ur own death.

anyway one reason why i prefer to make children’s films in the future is because idw to be imparting screwed up moral values into young innocent minds. but then again i realize children’s stories are actually not as pure as we all expect hmmmm…

idk i just find this MV so nice to watch cuz of its cinematography and the acting and all. and the immoral acts kinda just make it more sophisticated? i thought Roll Deep MV was really bad.

although ppl are not pleased with the concept now, there are comments that claim ppl will eventually be ok with it cuz more and more companies will likely take on this concept. which is kinda sad in a way but.

omgosh they are so gorgeousssssss

all things are possible

most ppl are shocked at my exam schedule: tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday (all consecutive) then next tuesday. honestly i feel that all of these is a blur. like a calm kind of blur. ok sorry if that completely did not make sense haha. 

but it’s just a little sprint lor. for now. until i crumble haha. tbh i think i thrive better in sprints like these as compared to long marathons. which is interesting because i used to be better at long distance running.

2 down, 3 more to go hahaha. there’s no one else so hardcore i know so this is really a battle that i have to fight alone. i’m sick and i keep coughing non-stop. a bit antisocial nowadays because i dun wanna spread the germs. maybe i should just wear a mask for the rest of my exams hmm. 

the thing is i should probably stay at home but my productivity level is seriously ridiculously low when i’m at home, no joke. i’m quite scared that my illness will become more and more severe hmm. shucks. 

mp 魔幻力量

got to know of this band from ylbfb a few years back and thought that they were pretty cool. this was the song they performed which impressed me hehe.

i think i’m too old to learn new songs nowadays. i don’t follow the new english / chinese songs anymore actually. as for kpop i’m quite selective… depends on the group. ok i guess i still follow hyuna’s music super closely. and all her associated acts (troublemaker, 4minute and this new subunit called triple h). but sigh 4 minute has disbanded and troublemaker is super inactive nowadays zzz.

but this is why i always run out of music to listen to (i don’t listen to the radio either) so sometimes i go back to the old songs. recently i’ve been listening more of mp 魔幻力量 again. and i was so shocked to realize that they did not release any new stuff since the last time i checked them out (which was a few years ago) :O

so i went to google them just now and found out that they went through some real drama omgosh. some stuff copied from wikipedia:

2015年11月4日在日本發行首張日文精選輯,首波主打為日文版的《我還是愛著你》、《射手》。(this was legit the period i checked them out and these were the exact songs they were promoting at that time)

2016年1月,前主唱嘎嘎因被媒體拍到在街頭與Popu Lady團員寶兒有親密舉動,並因半年內連犯兩錯,遭到經紀公司相信音樂退團處分;(shucks omgosh) 24日,第11屆KKBOX風雲榜是嘎嘎在MP魔幻力量的最後一場演出,31日正式退團。另,主唱廷廷因為壓力大引起憂鬱症,出席第11屆KKBOX風雲榜演出後,團體活動全面暫停。(:O)

2016年2月13日,前鼓手阿翔在團體官方臉書發文宣佈,因為個人人生及生涯規畫等因素,正式退出MP魔幻力量。不久後被爆料,與妻子陳艾琳籌備婚禮前(2015年3月秘密登記結婚),和女粉絲發生性行為,被大批網友砲轟,而事發後在IG發文道歉。(whoa seriously)

2016年4月8日,主唱廷廷於個人臉書發文與唱片公司、團員及歌迷「告別」,疑似退出MP魔幻力量[3],隨後相信音樂表示,廷廷只是暫退演藝圈休養,並非退團。而在7月初,MP於團體官方臉書發文宣佈將在超犀利趴合體復出。[4] (omgosh phew)

2016年7月30日,MP魔幻力量於超犀利趴演唱會合體演出,此次表演為1月24日最後一次六人合體後,首次以四人復出。(oh man…)

btw please pardon my very random exclamations peppered within the wikipedia text haha. was just trying to have more interaction with u guys.

but ya. apparently they went through a round of tours in 2016 so ok lah i guess they are recovering from all the drama :) hope they will release new songs soon heehee. ^^ (btw fun fact: they are 五月天’s juniors)

i really recommend their songs because they are quite legit. as in for the mainstream scene i think they are very good. cuz i feel nowadays the chinese music scene the music generally not as nice anymore. so.

decided to share this with y’all now because i just realized i have some time to update hehe. cuz i just found out i have 5 days to study for st2131 LOL. so can chill a bit lol.

ok this is my fav song of theirs:

enjoy!!!! :)

the ability to feel

i am someone who feels emotions very strongly. however, emotions tend to lead to unproductiveness especially for my field. so emotions are something i generally try to avoid. as such, i try to avoid ppl and situations which make me feel bad about myself. but sometimes the braver side of me takes over and i set crazy problems for myself with the wishful thinking that i can overcome the major obstacles along the way.

maybe one of the reasons why i tend to feel shitty is because i am a perfectionist. i am actually idealistic by nature though a cultivated pragmatist. i guess i secretly want ppl to acknowledge me for being awesome. but the thing is right now i am not. at least when i was in sec 3 and 4 i was busy serving the church. at least in jc my grades were screwed up but i was dedicated towards my friends and cared for them so much. at least when i was working i could proudly say that a few little ones saw me as a legit ‘close friend’.

but now i’m nothing. i can’t program well, nor can i do math. i’m too noob at filmmaking. my relationship with my family is still shitty and i still make my parents worry sick about me. i generally do not acknowledge old acquaintances in school because i am still paranoid that they cannot recognise me. i don’t even text my friends as often. i do not love anyone as strongly anymore. i do not dedicate time developing any skill / interest. i also do not spend enough time on my studies. and i do not go to church anymore. 

the thing is i could have chosen an easier route. i could have taken an easier course that i was alr good at. i could have continued in choir. i could have just left Singapore to study overseas so i didn’t have to deal with my family and old acquaintances. i could have continued to be with the person who truly loved and cared about me. but i chose the harder path. the path which promises setbacks, failure, loneliness, low self-esteem, judgment from ppl, failure, segmentation faults, sexism, low job security… i mean i can go on forever.

so maybe i’m not that much of a wimp after all. i make stupid choices simply because i have dreams, and i want to achieve them. i choose the hard path because i trust my gut feelings and my inner voices. i guess i am much braver than i thought. and also perhaps more stupid, but so what? seems to work leh. 

recently i got the first script i ever wrote to be funded. i also got a legit internship to work on a local feature film. i managed to lead a software engineering team of computing students (all with at least 2 years more experience than me) to create a legit task manager application, with me ending up writing as much code as them. i managed to survive overloading myself with 6 core mods (including one level-4000) in 1 sem and cca sessions at an average of 2 sessions every week. 

although i am still far from my expectations of myself, i know i am getting there ˆᴗˆ i might be someone who feels strongly and i tend to hate myself for it, but i know my strong emotions tell me who i am and what i stand for. as such, my strong emotions guide me towards who i wanna be. they help me stop and re-evaluate my life, refine my goals and redirect myself to achieve them. ironically, without strong emotions, depression would probably have killed me. 

well. ˆᴗˆ