update yay

i didn’t wanna clutter the previous post so here goes

i’m currently working in IBM as an intern, it’s been roughly a month. getting used to the culture, getting to know ppl

on the side i’ve joined the nustudios exco as secretary again, going back to writing minutes but more importantly this is a job where i can go beyond my allocated duties and fill in loopholes

what i mean is being secretary is technically just writing minutes and maintaining membership lists. but because there’s so little to do hence i usually take up extra roles and duties that no one notices needs attention such as

– reminding exco of this and that

– getting feedback from members, talking to them (something like a bridge between exco and members)

– and caring about other random little details that ppl miss out. hehe

being secretary is definitely within my comfort zone. would have wanted a bigger challenge and take on something different like pubs haha. but oh well when life gives u lemons u just gotta say thank you and accept those lemons. hahahahaha. (i know that’s not how the saying actually goes)

i’m also reconnecting with some ppl i distanced from in the last few years so that’s cool hehe. slowly getting my life back on track, caring a lot more about my health also mainly in terms of diet, sleep and exercise

hope that is a satisfactory update from me ˆᴗˆ i’ll try to post here more often but u can also message me to catch up if u have my contact hehe

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living praise presbyterian church

got noticed badly right at the front door. was immediately offered a newcomers’ package which includes free tissue lol.

and was choped to stay back for lunch. haha. the ppl were quite friendly and nice.

i could get used to this weekly thing. haha. it’s kinda fun. a bit scary tho to get found out ><

bethany presbyterian church

i like that i’m trying to make this a routine and post about every Sunday’s service

didn’t go for any service last week cuz i was too tired. i know it’s not an excuse and i should make arrangements to sleep early on saturday night.

english service here is pretty small, so i stood out quite a lot. quite a few ppl realized i was new and approached me to say hello. after service they also welcomed me personally to have refreshments and talk to them

is it just me or do smaller churches seem more informal and friendly, while bigger churches emphasise more on structure and the proper way of things?

idk. but today was a pretty good experience. though i doubt i would come back again cuz it’s really quite inaccessible from my house???

anyway my plan got exposed today. i hate deceiving and hiding is tiring, hence i just told them my church and my plan of visiting different churches LOL. wanted to remain low profile but it’s difficult when u meet friendly and welcoming christians. hahahahaha

honestly i’ve been lying and hiding things quite a lot recently… trust me, i really wanna announce to the whole world once and for all but i’m really just not comfortable sharing rn hence. i’m trying hard to pretend that everything is normal, while it’s not.

hope things will go well in the end, sorry to have to hide certain things… pls try to understand k

anyway, looking forward to next week ˆᴗˆ

adam road presbyterian church

did not have time to post this last last week so i’ll do it today.

reached early as usual and wanted to sit on the second floor but there were kids running about and distracting me so i couldn’t pray

came down to the first floor to take the handout and also realised it would be better to just occupy the first floor so they can close the second floor and save electricity

this church had a more modern vibe, announcements were also done digitally. ppl seemed a bit more in their own world but it’s good cuz i dun like to socialise too much. keep it low profile u know

the best thing about this church is the pastor. his sermon was extremely genuine and despite the modern feel of the church his words were really firm. could also be due to the fact that the topic of the day was about fearing God. but still it was a pretty good sermon

any day u can go to church, is a good day ˆᴗˆ

bukit batok presbyterian church

i’m not going to include a lot of details about today’s service in relation to other services i’ve attended from the different churches because idw this to end up as an unhealthy comparison between the different churches (although i’m indeed trying to compare and contrast them lol. i guess eventually i still hope to find one to settle down in)

anyway i’m very glad i finally decided to continue my church-hopping lol. i know some ppl will disagree with my actions because church-hopping basically means i probably won’t be able to serve in church properly or have any kind of church fellowship. basically i’m just going to a different church every sunday and attending service.

but idk, i just feel like this is my calling for now. idk what this experience of visiting different churches in singapore will lead to but i believe God has a plan for me hehe. my goal is to visit at least all the presbyterian churches for now. then maybe i’ll move on with the lutheran ones next? haha we see how first bah.

basically today went great, was super smooth. managed to find the place successfully, had a bit of time to pray while waiting for service to start. songs were kinda foreign to me but that’s because it was the youth band leading and i haven’t been following a lot of christian pop songs so. church ppl seemed genuine in general, i felt at peace. ˆᴗˆ

anyway sorry for not posting here for a while… something happened recently. will see if i can share about it when i’m more comfortable but for now i’m only telling my close friends. anyway i feel that this is a transformative period for me hehe.

7 years

i’ve been trying not to count but

i wish i never ever let u go… i wish i trusted u more… i wish i chose to love u for who u were… i wish i knew i loved u for u

the thought that we probably would still be friends? that unbelievable dream that can never become a reality again… the play times have long been over

i’m going insane thinking about you. i miss you, so, so painfully much. why is there no one who understands… no one here… my fault, i just push ppl away

why does life have to be so hard, why do i have to feel all these feelings yet experience all this numbness… recently i’ve not been myself, feeling like i’ve been possessed…? or maybe this is just my true self fighting to break out of its shell

what am i doing right, what am i doing wrong… what things matter and what don’t… why do i keep sinning, why do i keep moving away from God… i need

i need someone, anyone, to tell me that things are going to be fine and i’m going to find my place.

please, i’m withering fast, i can’t get up, i’m fighting to heal. i

do not mess with me

why do i feel like i have used this title before

i am hypersensitive. i smell foxes from a mile away. those who want to make use of me, i already know. my gut feeling, my intuition. it virtually never backfires.

the next time, i won’t hesitate to cut u off. no matter who u are to me. i dislike leeches, i hate bullies, i detest ppl who treat others with utter disrespect. i don’t owe u anything.

nothing goes by without my approval, my acknowledgement. i only let u do certain things because i am seeing how far u dare to go. then i clamp in on everything when i figure out ur true intentions. i can literally read ur mind.

whatever. go. i don’t need a toxic person in my life. be gone.