new love?

i’ve officially gotten over fossil (nope, i don’t think this is a self-delusion) because i’ve found myself developing feelings for another guy recently. 

he is genuine, intelligent, sensitive, inquisitive, charismatic, dependable, humble, selfless, articulate, easy-going, straightforward and super real. 

i know i totally sound like a 16-year-old teenage girl gushing over her crush. i mean it’s been pretty long since i last experienced being like this. i guess there is that excitement and happiness ˆᴗˆ

but one good thing about being fossilised was that i was rendered incapable of falling for anyone else and hence there was no possibility for me to like the wrong person and not be able to do anything about it. 

although my crush(? …haven’t used this term on myself for very long) is amazing, i definitely cannot be with him because he is not Christian and i also don’t think he’ll ever want to migrate to America. 

for the rest of the time i think i will have to learn how to cope with these feelings of infatuation(?) until they subside one day. one bad side of this is that these feelings are highly distracting and might affect my studies by giving me terrible mood swings. 

seems like it doesn’t matter who i like, fossil or this new crush. i will still not be able to focus properly. shucks… 

crazy mode

i know i’m going to crash this week haish. so many things due. twin mod is terrible. never ever overload and take twin mod. it will turn u insane. waiting for JUnit tests to finish running so i have a little bit of time to update here.

anyway i am a bit embarrassed to say that i have been replaying this song over and over again. i thought it was a stupid song but the more i listen to it the cuter i think it is. i think this happens for many songs that i listen to. oops.

anyway jiayou to me!! hopefully i can blog really soon ><

i know you.

i’ve decided to be as honest as possible in this space. i will not care about whether my coworkers or future employers judge me because of what i reveal about myself. we all have our own struggles; mine are just the less relatable kind. 

the truth is that i’m weak. i know it. i’m not going to put up a front and pretend everything is fine when they are not. 

emotionally, i have become much stronger. but depression left me a huge pile of problems to settle. i neglected, pushed away, ignored and disappointed people. as a result, there weren’t many left. 

but for those acquaintances i used to have, sometimes i still see them now. and i realize that i’m really unable to talk to them anymore. 

at the start of uni i tried to acknowledge an ex-classmate. she could not recognise my face. when i told her who i was, she did not remember me either. reality hit me hard: i had lost touch with so many ppl. i literally gave up and just walked off. i think i even went to the toilet to cry. 

i know this incident haunted me since. because i no longer try to reunite with people of the past. 

i know there is this girl in my faculty from nanyang. we used to be acquaintances who would say hi whenever we saw each other etc. i think we made some small talk sometimes. but when uni started and she realized i was not acknowledging her, she felt puzzled and talked to a mutual friend about it. even when i got to know of her feelings, i still couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge her again. 

so now we are still basically strangers even though we already attended many computing classes together these 2 years. when we see each other, we just ignore. 

and recently i met another old acquaintance at point & shoot. my reaction when i found out that he was a participant was just to sigh, and then pretend not to recognise him. even when he was registering, i did not dare to 相认 with him at all. 

basically i treated him as an ordinary participant. and i thought he treated me as an ordinary stranger as well, because he didn’t seem to recognise me. 

but when the participants came out again from LT14 after the theme was released, at some point i saw that he was looking in my direction intently. i don’t know if that means that he actually did recognise me, and was wondering why i was not acknowledging him. hopefully not, because he probably would have felt hurt. 

to the people i’m currently ignoring:

i’m really very sorry. y’all definitely don’t deserve this kind of treatment from me. but i’m just extremely haunted by the past. as a result, i am really scared of going back. pls understand that i lost touch with y’all for so long and i don’t know patch everything up again. if u recognised me (or if u ever recognise me in the future) and wish to reconnect, please reach out to me. i’m sorry but i’ll need u to take the initiative. but if u do, i promise i’ll definitely respond. ˆᴗˆ

anyway to the participant: i enjoyed ur film. all the best and i hope u win ^^

busy busy busy. 

2 more midterms to go. V0.0 due. (and V0.1 next week) 2 programming assignments due next week. and there’s definitely other stuff that i have missed out from this list. 

my mindset nowadays is that if got class that does not mark attendance / lecture that has webcast just skip if desperate. and judging from what has been going on the past 2 months i think i’ve been pretty desperate. hahahaha.

just watched a vid (while eating lunch oops) to motivate and inspire me cuz i felt stressed and tired. would recommend this TED talk to basically anyone. (because we all feel stress, don’t we)

sometimes i ask myself if it’s worth it to sacrifice time every night to watch channel 8 with my parents. and like attending so many nuSTUDIOS mentorship classes. and meeting up with friends during the school term even when i am dealing with such heavy workload. 

ultimately a lot of the things that i do are done because of something internal. not sure how to describe it but i’ll use ‘gut feeling’ for now. we all have our own personal preferences with regards to ethics, outlook in life, ambitions etc. it’s kinda scary that we are basing many of our decisions on such things that can be so volatile and subjective. 

am i an idealist? i don’t know. i definitely used to be one. but right now, i guess i’m trying to strike a balance. i guess the comfort that i can afford to have is that all of these decisions that i’m making will benefit me in the future somehow. in some way. even if i do not pursue a computing career, i do not go into the film industry, i change my moral standpoints about certain things (hopefully for the better tho), i think what i’m doing now is still useful to some extent. hopefully to a large degree. 

waiting for class to start in 5 min. there’s hardly enough time for me to take a breather from this hectic schedule. can’t wait for summer omgosh there are so many personal goals that i wanna achieve this time round. 

i know i always say this but i’ll update asap if i can ˆᴗˆ

recent kpop mvs

NOT TODAY

although i’m a V (and Jimin) stan, it upsets me that there isn’t a SINGLE close up of Jin in this video (only an unflattering 1-sec MCU). and yet the ARMYs are extremely cool about it. for BST there were alr very few lines for Jin, and now this? what on earth is going on??? it’s one thing to focus on the main rappers/singers/dancers but this is definitely unacceptable. i feel so disappointed with Big Hit.

KNOCK KNOCK

finally a normal-sounding song from Twice. but i kinda miss the weird tunes for LOA, Cheer Up and IGBAS hahaha. i think that Twice has lost its distinctive weird music style. seriously if you told me this was some other girl group’s song i wouldn’t doubt it. disappointed as well but oh well.

ROOKIE

thought that this was a terribly stupid song at first but for some reason it got better the more i listened to it. i guess the interesting bass makes up for the stupid melody line. and the bridge is interesting. but honestly i would prefer if red velvet did more mature concepts. i thought they totally pulled off automatic and be natural.

crippled

was trying to brainstorm a romance story for a new script today but ended up getting myself tangled up again with all these stupid emotions.

for a long time i did pretty well in trying to suppress these feelings. i thought through time i would just slowly forget about your existence and move on. perhaps i could meet someone i like and change my “target”. but as the feelings flood back today i realize that i have grown to love you and miss you more than ever. these feelings have in fact intensified without me realizing. i don’t know how it works. how can i think about you less but love you more day by day???

it was scary that i listened to Gravity today and could relate to every single line of the lyrics more than ever. and i didn’t even manage to get myself out of the house this morning because of these feelings.

it’s been 6 entire years. i’m exhausted.

i’m tired of screwing my life up because of these feelings. i have sabotaged my close friendships and severely hurt people i love. i have screwed up my health and flunked my grades. i think i have really lost sight of what i truly want for myself in life.

you are one-of-a-kind, and you are very precious to me. as much as i tell myself that i am blessed to be able to genuinely love someone so deeply, this love is is definitely taking a toll on my health. it hurts so much to love you.

was i wrong to want to deliberately think of you? do i have to stifle and suppress these feelings for the rest of my life, and not bring them back up to the surface ever? then what if these feelings continue to intensify without my knowledge?

took a break. 

kinda backslided these 2 weeks to take a long and possibly well-deserved(?) break. as much as i love to learn about new things, it is honestly very tiring to have to always be on the ball. considering the fact that i’m also heavily involved in nuSTUDIOS (by my own accord though). 

thinking of consulting a career advisor and a prof (if needed) to advise me on my module and internship planning. i’m seriously very lost right now because of the new changes that America is going through after Trump’s inauguration. i really envy Joshua so much haish. being able to even think about getting a US citizenship and Singapore PR ._.

i guess everybody has these backsliding moments in their lives. it just takes some time and determination for them to pick themselves up bah. it is easy to just curl up in a ball and tell yourself that u can’t do it. on the other hand it takes so much courage for u to face the problem and hustle through. 

i really do not want to blame anyone but it is a fact that i am still very crippled by this desire to be with someone whom i shouldn’t even think about. i definitely haven’t moved on. it’s literally been 6 entire years already. maybe it’ll reach 10 years then i can celebrate. ok that’s an absolutely wrong mindset to have. 

i really wish i can move on. the stupid thing is that for some reason my standards are super high and no one can achieve those kind of standards and i don’t really care if no one can because i’ve experienced how much love can destroy me and i guess i just want to protect myself. 

anyway. shall go back to my life and face reality. talk to y’all soon ˆᴗˆ