the past few weeks have been a whirlwind. skipped many classes and stayed at home a lot. idk i think i just felt like i needed a break. i felt disturbingly lost and troubled but i didn’t know why. binge-watched netflix but it didn’t really help. i thought it was the fossil thing initially but it’s not. anyway the past few days i was feeling so much anxiety to catch up with schoolwork. so i wanted to stop this procrastination and start afresh today since it’s the start of the week. decided to start watching more ted talks. so i watched this today:
and i suddenly realized. i think a while back i was telling weicong about how my perspective of Singapore is super different from others because i saw myself as just a temporary resident. i was eventually going to move away. i was heading towards America, and i was very certain about that goal. i guess as a result i kinda just didn’t really care about stuff here. i didn’t care about which political party would be elected, i didn’t care about sustaining my friendships / making new friends, i didn’t care about my family, i didn’t care about singapore.
i’ve been stricken with guilt for wanting to move out of this place. i must admit, the main motivation for doing so is to get freedom away from my family. i think really differently from my mum and living with her sucks out all my soul. however, i think i’ve said before, i believe there is a special connection between me and her because she always has the power to make me cry buckets even with harmless comments. and i genuinely worry about her even though i try not to express it. i also cherish my relationship with my father and my brother. i feel intellectually close to my father and i enjoy acting like a child again with my brother. my brother is moving out soon and i feel sad about it.
also, i’ve been pretty unsuccessful with my applications for America internships. ok i think i’ve applied for only 10+ places so i should probably try more. but the thing is that i’ve also not been super motivated to apply. maybe i’m afraid of rejection. or maybe i’m just not that into America anymore. i understand that their jobs should ideally go to their own citizens. i also know that America is unsafe and can be quite morally corrupted. and i don’t seem to enjoy Pixar movies as much as before. i still love Coco though, and i can’t wait for Incredibles 2. but… idk man. i realize i’ve been more motivated and excited to apply for local internships. maybe also cuz i can apply for better companies.
idk… i was scared of this happening. i was afraid of succumbing to the pressure of staying, and i saw this as a sign of weakness or lack of courage / ambition or fear of failure. honestly, it is scary to go to america all by myself. i dunno if it’s worth it. and come to think of it, i can always venture there in the future if i hate it in singapore. might as well give singapore a shot first, right? since i’m alr here now.
but then again, staying would also not be easy for me. ok career wise it would be easier but i would have to change my whole mindset on like, almost everything. i would have to continue to deal with my mum. i would have to start thinking about my life here. go back to church-hunting, find myself a church to settle down in and switch to. i would have to find my volunteer place asap. i would have to socialize and make friends, and make more effort to maintain and improve current friendships, because there is no excuse for me not to do so anymore. i would have to work to mend broken relationships because i cannot just escape to america and disappear from ppl’s worlds. i would not be able to start completely afresh, but would have to face the past and be forced to deal with it. it’s super scary.
i initally gave myself end feb as a deadline. if no company contacts me by then, i would switch all my eggs to the singapore basket for the internship. but idk if i should stick to that or extend my deadline to mid mar. maybe. give myself more time to make the decision u know. because whatever decision i make for my internship now is probably going to majorly affect at least the next 5 years of my life.
i guess the main thing is, i probably can contribute more to the society if i stay in singapore. and i also have unfinished business here which i feel is irresponsible to just leave behind u know. also the ted talk says people who are more isolated and have fewer close relationships (going to be me if i go to America) generally lead a less happy life.
ok i will update end feb / mid mar about my decision. God’s will.